There is nothing worse than finding yourself being sucked into an activity or event that you have absolutely zero interest partaking in—except maybe an unintended night of drinking Sauvignon Blanc out of a chalice. The loathsome, sinking feeling when your heart drops so low you can feel it in your ass as you scramble to come up with some excuse as to why you cannot attend or fulfill a person’s request trumps several dreadful experiences that come to mind.
Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of awkward situations, I am quite certain the person asking me to attend their annual family barbecue (that is 100 percent dry, mind you) can see very clearly the look of sheer horror as I have a minor panic attack whilst I try to figure out how I’m going to get out of this one.
Toward the end of my high school career, however, I began to get quite skillful at coming up with excuses on the spot. As I slowly realized I actually did not care for the majority of the people I attended high school with, I knew I had to become nimble-minded to avoid sitting through countless hours of watching 17-and 18-year-old noobs get sloshed and make out with just about anyone or anything. Boy, girl, dog, or tree. You name it, they went out back and had a nice little makeout and dry-hump session. Not exactly my cup of tea, especially when Katy Perry started blaring out of the boom box. (Yes, a boom box. Real stereo systems were far too noisy for underagers attempting to toss back shots of Fleischmann’s in the basement of their parents’ homes.) The second “California Girls” started to play was my cue to exit said basements and toddle on home.
Now that I am older and have a few more unpleasant experiences under my belt, I have come up with a few excuses I can regularly use to get out of dicey situations. These may not be foolproof, but I myself have had much success with them as have the friends with whom I have so kindly shared these go-to excuses. I will share just a couple of my secret alibis with you all now in hopes that you may dodge future uncomfortable evenings or events.
For requests or invitations from people whom you rarely interact with and are mere acquaintances with: Tell him or her that you are terribly sorry but that day is your [insert family member’s name] birthday/wedding/bat mitzvah/baptism/etc. and you simply cannot miss it if you do not want to be shunned by your entire family for at least six months.
The key to this excuse is a smooth delivery and a look of sincere regret that you will have to miss out on their band’s debut at the local pig roast Saturday afternoon. It would also be a good idea to lay low that evening as to avoid pictures of you taking beer bongs or skinny dipping in Lake Mendota all over Facebook.
For requests or invitations by people who know you quite well, such as family members or best friends: The safest card to play without hurting his or her feelings is, “I’m sorry I cannot attend that guest lecture on the implications of rock formations on Byzantine agricultural practices, but I have diarrhea.” I can guarantee you 99 percent of the people you use this excuse on will ask no further questions and simply say, “Oh, OK. Feel better,” and quickly hang up the phone. As soon as poop enters the conversation, especially that of an explosive nature, many people freeze up and have no idea what to say. You can’t exactly make someone feel guilty for not attending a WISPIRG info session with you because they have a bad case of the runs, and you don’t really want to continue talking to them about their bowel movements.
If any excuse is foolproof, it’s this one. Works like a charm every time. Knock on wood.
Got some trusty excuses you’d like to share with Rebecca? Shoot her an e-mail at alt2@dailycardinal.com and broaden her repertoire of excuses.
