Hipsters. I vote them the second most interesting creatures to ever walk this planet. The first is without a doubt the three-toed sloth, but that's another story. Hipsters are the absolute pinnacle of people-watching, and I'm so glad they have graced us with their presence over the past five years.
We're all familiar with them, and I think everyone has a distinct picture of one in their head. Picture this for me: female, 19 years old, 5'5"" and about 110 pounds. She is slender and named something outrageous like Tallulah or Dixie. The more obscure the name, the better. Her hair is light brown, curly, generally a bit unkempt and is being held up by six or seven pieces of uncooked spaghetti (organic, surely).
She wears retro, 1960s-type glasses with the frames painted metallic silver. Better yet, she's wearing a monocle.
Next, an unnecessary scarf graces her thin neck, made out of plaid fabric in what I like to call ""the puke colors."" A button-down oversized men's dress shirt that has been partially mutilated by scissors fits loosely around her torso, with all but a couple buttons undone to show off her full belt tattoo (I think they exist?). This is, of course, tucked into high-wasted shorts that were originally designed as diapers for baby walruses that are raised in zoos. I think you get the picture (wow, I AM the most judgmental person ever).
Observing from a distance is the closest I ever want to get to them. I've learned from too many experiences that human contact with an actual hipster can be quite a horrific experience. Small talk inevitably leads to my opinions being shut down. ""You enjoying that bottled water? How do you feel knowing it's going to sit in a landfill for 700 years?""
A more in-depth conversation makes me seriously question my taste in anything and everything. ""You like Ben Folds? Oh...My rule is that if they sell it on iTunes, it's too mainstream for me. Want some ecstasy?"" What the what?
And don't even get me started on talking to them about politics. ""Yeah, I haven't been following the whole budget bill thing too much lately. I've been too busy campaigning for my pet hedgehog, Otis. He's running for county treasurer and I think he'd do a stellar job executing some totally necessary reforms.""
The root of the intense superiority complex they seem to hold is their insatiable desire to be different from the norm. Okay, okay, I understand. Straying from the cookie cutter image of a normal college kid is a good thing, right? Sure. The problem is I have a really hard time believing that their opinions are always genuine. Does every hipster really and truly hate Coldplay, or are they just trying to fit the hipster mold?
A few weeks ago, I saw something that blew my mind. A girl, who was most definitely a hipster, walked into Holt Commons. I always enjoy seeing her because I never fail to get a kick out of her ridiculous clothes. This time, though, she went too far.
There she was walking swiftly along, wearing her backpack (more like a knapsack) backwards, so it hung on her front side. Like it was completely normal. I stood up right then and there and said, ""Hey, why the fuck are you doing that? Is it more functional? Is it more stylish? No and no. You look ridiculous. Stop doing stupid things just to be different. You look like an asshole. And take off that fucking walrus diaper.""
Okay, I didn't say that. But I wish I would have…damn hipster.
Have similar unpleasant run-ins with hipsters around campus? Or want to state why you think hipsters are the coolest cats in town? Share your thoughts with Elliot at ejmorris2@wisc.edu.
