A few days ago, I was using my boyfriend's computer and found some porn. I didn't like it at all. I wasn't snooping, but I was just using his computer to check my e-mail and I think he may have forgotten to clear his search history … I consider myself an open person, and we have a satisfying sex life. He and I have even watched porn together before, but this particular material was such a turnoff. I'm not sure what to do about it. How do I approach him about this?
—Partner's Opinion (is) Really Negative
Actually, PORN, my recommendation is that you don't approach him about this.
When the two of you watch porn together, then you certainly have a say in selecting porn both of you find hot and sexy. But you don't have a say in the kind of porn your boyfriend finds hot and sexy on his own time. It's a bummer you find it to be ""such a turnoff,"" but your boyfriend's porn is for his pleasure, not yours. Assuming the porn you found wasn't illegal, I don't think it's your place to say anything.
If you truly feel you must, then my advice is to first think about what exactly you hope to gain from approaching him. Do you need to get this off your chest? Do you want him to stop consuming this kind of porn? Think about what you want the outcome of the conversation to be.
Tell your boyfriend what you found and how you found it. If you can, articulate why it made you feel uncomfortable. Emphasize that it's not his fault you've reacted like this (because it isn't). Finally, conclude with your reason for talking to him, and maybe offer some kind of remedy for the situation that requires you to do something—e.g. you'll bring your own laptop to your bf's house from now on, or you'll try to learn a little more about activity X so it doesn't squick you out so much, or whatever.
If you'll allow me to digress for a second, dear readers, I was out driving the other day and some of the morning radio hosts were talking about checking out other people when you're in a relationship and if that's a sign of disrespect for your partner. It seemed like every person who called in said that if someone were truly satisfied in their relationship, then they wouldn't need to look at other people.
I'm sorry, what? Personally, I think claiming someone ought to be so satisfied with me that he or she doesn't masturbate or enjoy porn or even look at other people would mean I am either extraordinarily arrogant or my partner is extraordinarily boring. You pick.
But the reason I went off on that little tangent is because I think that ideal might be at play here. PORN, do you think it's possible that you're bothered not just by the porn you found, but by the fact that you found porn, period? Is it possible your reaction to this porn is tinged by a little bit of hurt feelings in addition to your disgust?
I'm not saying you're arrogant or your boyfriend is boring, nor am I saying that monogamy is something that can't or doesn't work for people. However, I do think we often get lulled into the soulmate mentality as an ideal, as though the ultimate goal of romance and sex is to find ""the one"" who meets our every want, need and desire.
It might be a blow to the ego to find out about your bf's porn use outside your otherwise satisfying sex life, PORN—but remember it might not (and probably doesn't) reflect anything about the quality of your relationship or your partner's overall satisfaction.
None or all of those things may be true in this case, but it may be an erstwhile exercise to give it some thought. Our relationships should make us happy, and we have the right to set boundaries within our relationships to help ensure that. If your boyfriend's porn use is something you absolutely cannot accept about your relationship, PORN, then that's of course your right. But if you want to set this boundary and that's something he can't accept, then that's his right too.
Questions? Comments? Please e-mail them to sex@dailycardinal.com.
