I'm a 27-year-old virgin male … I have always wanted to fall in love before I feel like I'm ready for lovemaking. That never happened. And now I'm quite sure that neither is there such a person as ""Mrs. Right"" nor will there be. But I do want to [get] involved in an intimate relationship that will last all my life …
Anyway, life is going on, time is passing and I get older. And I question myself about insisting on chastity.
When I look around, I'm astonished to see how easy it is to get laid in this city … However, I can also observe people's frustrations, such as not getting the maximum pleasure they want …An example from gastronomy: You can't have the same pleasure of eating a very good meal if you eat it constantly no matter how delicious it is. Thus, the same for having sex. …
What do you think? Am I missing something really big?
M.T.
During my tenure as sex columnist, a few questions have turned up in my inbox repeatedly. Every year, I get asked about anal. I get asked about herpes. And I get asked about when/whether to lose one's virginity.
Certainly, we have the right to decide when/whether/why we do or do not want to have sex. But I think the commonness of the question reflects that many of us are socialized to believe in an inherent specialness of ""the first time."" It's supposed to be so magical, with an abundance of dewy eye contact and soulful embracing and then at the end everyone orgasms rainbows and is happy.
If that happens/happened for you, hurray. If not, welcome to the club. My point is this: Not having a first-time memory that sets our hearts aflutter doesn't mean we missed out on something, or that we somehow failed something in some way.
I think you're right, M.T., in that sexual quantity and quality are related; however, I think it's in a direct rather than an inverse way. To continue your gastronomic analogy, if you make a gourmet recipe once, it might turn out okay, especially if you select the very best ingredients (i.e. ""Mrs. Right"") and take time to carefully savor all the steps and results (""getting the maximum pleasure they want""). But there's still a very good chance that recipe will be much better the fourth, fifth, or 10th time you prepare it.
Sex will always have its high points and low points, but we often have a significant amount of control over how our escapades turn out; when we know what we want, when we know what we don't want and we communicate that to our partners, that makes a huge amount of difference in the enjoyment we gain from sex.
Here is where your analogy doesn't quite fit. It's not that people are eating a delicious meal constantly and not getting as much pleasure from it. It's that most people are closing their eyes and hoping whatever they pull out of the fridge isn't moldy, rather than carefully selecting the perfect entrée at their favorite restaurant. If we don't feel comfortable talking to our partners—about techniques, positions, fantasies, boundaries—then we're far more likely to feel dissatisfied, whether our sexual relationships have lasted a few hours or a few years.
I'm not saying you should go out and find someone to bone ASAP, nor am I saying there is never any overlap between love and sex. To sum it up, M.T. my advice is to think about why you feel it is important to wait for Mrs. Right. Either you will become more convinced of the importance of waiting, removing this sense of uncertainty, or you will decide it's not as important as you once thought.
Regardless of your decision, I think you'll eventually find that more sex tends to lead to better sex. But no matter the tally, key techniques—sharing your desires with your partner, asking what your partner needs to feel satisfied, etc.—can help keep things fresh and exciting. Best of luck.
Have sex questions? E-mail anything and everything to sex@dailycardinal.com.
