When I was in third grade I was asked, ""What are you learning in math; have you gotten to division yet?""
When I was in eighth grade the question was, ""What sports and clubs are you going to join in high school?""
When I was a senior in high school the go-to conversation starter was, ""Have you started applying to colleges?""
The aforementioned are all questions relatives ask at family reunions when they don't know what to talk about. They are stock questions with stock answers. I can't really blame my second cousin who I see only once a year for asking these exhausted questions; I understand that she's just trying to be nice and I appreciate her effort.
I too sometimes fall back on these mechanical conversation topics. But, there is one question I vow to never ask anyone, the most dreaded question in the entire world. In the past six months I've probably been asked it about 122 times. I cringe even as I write it.
""What are you going to do after graduation?""
When asked, I usually smile and answer with something like, ""Oh, you know, just keeping my options open. We'll see."" But the dialogue in my head goes a little differently, something like, ""Geez Louise! You don't hear me asking you such big questions that make you feel bad about yourself and could possibly cause an on-the-spot panic attack. I'd much rather you ask me questions I have definite answers to. I'm an open and talkative person. I'll answer truthfully. If you want to talk about the '90s show ""American Gladiators"" we could be here all day. So go ahead—shoot.""
""What was my favorite lullaby growing up? Easy, ‘Goodnight My Someone' from ‘The Music Man'.""
""My favorite dessert? Godiva chocolate cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. Next question.""
""Who's the best ""Looney Tunes"" character? Elmer Fudd. No contest.""
""What am I doing with my life? You sneaky son of a gun. I refuse to answer.""
Okay, I realize I can't avoid the fact that graduation is six months away. So, I have given my college ""afterlife"" some thought. But, don't count on me talking about it. I believe that as soon as you go blabbing about what you want to do with your life, you jinx it. So, yes, like many other seniors across America I'm working on applications. And you know what comes with applications? You guessed it, burritos! Just kidding.
The correct answer is—letters of recommendation. While there are professors and employers who I could turn to for these, I believe that my 9-year-old black lab would vouch for me the best on any letter of recommendation. No matter what I apply for he would have my back 100 percent, and he'd say the nicest things. My dog Lenny (who is named after Lenny Leonard from ""The Simpsons"" in case you were wondering) would probably write a letter like this…
Dear person considering hiring my older sister Kathleen,
This past winter break I had really bad IBS and pretty regularly around 3 a.m. I'd have to go the bathroom. I'm a tough dog and don't like to complain, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm not allowed upstairs, so I'd sit at the bottom of the steps and quietly whimper like some pathetic puppy. Kathleen was the only one in the family to attend to my needs. She'd get out of bed and wait outside in the cold while I took care of my business. Key points: Kathleen is kind and dependable.
When I was a puppy I went to a dog trainer with my mom. The trainer was German and pretty gruff. I could never understand him. Plus, there were a lot of cute girl dogs in the room so even if I could understand what he was saying I was too distracted by the ladies to pay attention. Long story short, I flunked dog school. I was prepared to take to the streets in favor of a life of crime, but Kathleen had faith in me. She trained me herself by following the instructions from ""Labrador Retrievers for Dummies."" One month later I was giving paw, rolling over and sitting on command. Key point: Kathleen perseveres (and so do I. But I guess this isn't about me.)
Kathleen sneakily feeds me table scraps underneath the dinner table. Key point: Kathleen is a giving person.
One day this summer I was lounging on the lawn, legs crossed and just minding my own business while Kathleen was reading a book on our front porch. Our neighbor's dog, Oscar, a rottweiler, passed by the house and started smack talking, calling me names and saying that I was girly for crossing my paws. I told him to ""bug off."" He didn't like this very much so he started to approach me and growl real loudly. He then bit my neck. When Kathleen saw this she broke up the fight and chased Oscar away. She later informed our neighbors that they should probably get an electric fence. Key points: Kathleen is loyal, fearless and takes initiative.
Kathleen took a lot of time to hand-make me a cowboy costume for Halloween. That was really nice of her, but the material was kind of itchy and I kept tripping over the pant legs. She let me take it off after only wearing it for five minutes. Key points: Kathleen is creative and understanding.
If you don't like people who are able to persevere, are kind, dependable, giving, loyal, fearless, creative, understanding and know how to take initiative, well, then, you're crazy. And I don't really want my sister working for crazy people anyway, so good riddance!
If you do like those qualities, then feel free to contact me with any questions at Lenny@gmail.dog.
Sincerely,
Lenny Jay Brosnan
