I was stepping out of the shower early the other day (yes, unbelievably, I shower, and because I always forget to turn the fan on, I began to wipe the steam off of the mirror for my usual assessment on what variety of ten (out of ten) I was looking like on that particular day. Immediately I knew something was amiss though I just couldn't put my finger on it.
There seemed to be some strange sort of tissue accumulating between the skin of my midsection and the well-chiseled abdominals below. Was this a life threatening condition? I hastily threw a towel around my waist and sprinted outside to ask my roommate Paul if he knew anything about what was going on.
Thankfully, he watches reruns of ""ER"" and that show ""House"" quite a bit, so I was pretty optimistic about his diagnosis. When Paul saw the fear in my eyes, he gave a reassuring chuckle and said, ""That's old-fashioned adipose dude—fat. You're getting fat. I think it's because you've been really fucking lazy recently, and that whole bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos you plowed through last night probably didn't help much either.""
I almost fainted. This was worse than I thought. All of those fatasses I've seen up until this point I have relentlessly poked fun at. Now I'm slowly becoming one of them—one Dinty Moore extra-chunky beef stew at a time. It's time for a change, I say.
At this point in my life, I'm just not ready to sacrifice certain luxuries like eating a ton, exercising minimally and drinking a decent amount of beer on the weekends. That being said, I know that the only way of succeeding in shedding some extra ""me"" is to integrate a weight loss plan into my life which changes almost nothing of my daily routine.
I came up with a few ideas that are easily implemented and could have groundbreaking effects toward my currently collapsing physical health. Here's a few ideas for all the Rosie O'Donnells and Michael Moores in training to keep from being both obnoxious AND fat, though I can't help with the obnoxious part.
Weekends: Let's face it, the only time intense exercise is truly tolerable is when beer is involved. Incorporate push-ups and crunches into beer pong tournaments, and make ""bar hopping"" literal by lunging from venue to venue. It's a great calf workout and you'll find it really loosens you up for the dance floor. Stumbling is for pussies.
Also, contrary to popular belief, drinking more than you used to is better for weight loss. This is because if you get really hammed, the chances of puking up your Five Guys double bacon cheeseburgers and Ian's Pizza is fairly high (it's not bulimia if the vomiting is purely from ""the spins""). Massive consumption increases the chances of police chases, drunken brawls and intercourse—all top-notch workouts to say the least.
During the Week: The first thing you do is make your backpack unnecessarily heavy, whether it's to remind you what being obese actually feels like, or just to add a little calorie burn-age to your daily routine. Cram all of your textbooks in there, even if you don't have all those classes. If you're textbook-free, a few bricks from the various construction zones on the way to your lecture should suffice, and make sure all routes to and from class involve Bascom Hill.
Upon arrival, instead of sitting in your usual desk where you get that perfect view of that hot Asian chick three rows up, take up the ""wall-sit"" position in the back. Basically, it's back against the wall, legs bent and notebook/laptop on your lap. You'll be sweating within five minutes and at risk for a heart attack after ten—who needs a Total Gym when you have all lecture to strengthen your quads?
Finally, and this is the best way to slim really down fast. Ask the ""drum guy,"" or the homeless person who just can't seem to get his beat down correctly on State Street, for some crack cocaine. I guarantee that when hitting the crack pipe down in the alley, Chipotle will be the last thing on your mind. And you'll be chalk-full of vibrant energy.
