I recently received an e-mail titled ""Universal Truths,"" which listed observations of life that all humans, more or less, could identify with. Upon reading, ""I can't remember the last time I wasn't as least kind of tired,"" I decided that the guy who wrote the article must be some kind of genius.
If the author weren't anonymous I'd send him a personal letter thanking him for his insights. I mean, with such simplicity and ease he basically summarized my life story. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I wasn't feeling at least somewhat sleepy. Of course as a child I had boundless energy, but now, as Mickey Rourke from the movie ""The Wrestler"" puts it, ""I'm an old broken down piece of meat.""
Even as I write this column my eyes are fluttering open and closed and all I want to do is throw my computer off the table, smash my kiwi strawberry Snapple against the floor and demand that the stranger sitting next to me in the library turn down his damn music.
I am a enraged, exhausted mess and all I want is my pillow. I have a feeling that my current condition might not be the result of me getting older, but rather have something to do with the fact that I was up until 4 a.m. writing a paper. Whatever, that's a minor detail.
Anyway, since I've been on this campus for a little over three years now, I decided to re-envision the ""Universal Truths"" article on a Madison scale. I hope you find these observations accurate, and if you don't, then that just means, ""You are so dumb. You are really dumb. Fo' real.""
If you didn't catch that reference, then, first of all, where have you been for the past four months? Second, you need to immediately search ""Antoine Dodson, Bed Intruder"" on YouTube.
Without further ado, I present ""Madison Truths.""
1) Whenever the SERF is crowded, the student who disobeys the 30-minute time limit automatically becomes the biggest jerk ever. But, whenever you take a few more minutes it's, like, totally acceptable.
2) In the dorms, carrying books to the den is just a front. About 96 percent of the time, schoolwork never gets done. (Maybe this only pertains to Sellery. But, I'm guessing that's probably not the case).
3) If the construction near Helen C. White was a person I'd punch him/her in the face.
4) Packing up your belongings just so you can go the bathroom is a total bitch, but sometimes a complete necessity.
Hey buddy a few feet away from my stuff, your snoring is convincing, but you need to start drooling a little before I actually believe you're asleep. I know your gig. The whole ""slouched in my chair, heavy breathing, eyes closed"" is just an act. As soon as I make my way to the bathroom you're going to run away with my computer and never look back.
5) Ordering pizza was never such an anxiety-ridden process until I went to Ian's on a weekend night. Behind the counter they quickly ask, ""What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?"" You know what I want? I want you to be quiet for a minute and let me think. I just waited in line for a freaking half an hour and I'm not going to let you rush me into buying a slice of pizza with some soggy vegetables.
I'm aware that they need to keep the line moving, but still, it's frustrating to be surprised with a Veggie Delight when you thought you paid for a slice of Potato Bacon Ranch.
6) DARS is hard to figure out. Too many lines and too many numbers!
7) At your first Badger football game, there is a good chance you will screw up the hand motions that accompany ""If You Want to Be a Badger.""
8) I feel bad for disliking the people who stake out the entrance of the dining halls to promote their club/cause/whatever. But, honestly, it is super annoying to deal with them every time you want to eat.
First of all, I have my headphones in, a clear sign I don't want to talk. Second, they are delaying my retrieval of Belgium Waffles (you know, the ones you get to make yourself and that have the ""W"" emblem in the middle.)
Third, I run into the same person three or four times in the same day, and now I just feel bad for eating so much.
9) Bascom Hill is the last terrain you want to climb when you're running late for class, tired, out of shape, or all the above. As a student body let's all just come to an agreement that we' re going to stop holding back our heavy breathing and let ourselves pant like dogs if we need to. I mean, not getting enough oxygen could be a life-or-death situation.
I can see the news story already: ""So-and-so, a student at UW-Madison, passed away on Bascom Hill due to insufficient air intake after they tried to refrain from panting and therefore not be silently mocked by passersby."" The tragedy. We need to prevent this from happening. So stop suffering and pant to your little heart's desire. (All you exercise enthusiasts who run 15 miles before the sun even rises don't get any input.)
10) Teachers e-mailing students with additional reading assignments should be outlawed. If it ain't on the syllabus, I ain't doing it.
11) THE WISCONSIN WIN OVER OHIO STATE WAS THE MOST BALLIN' SHIT EVER. (Insert pizza parlor scene from ""Hardball."" ""We going to the ‘ship! What? We going to the ‘ship! What? We going to the ‘ship!"")
