Deer Cardinal,
I'm facing what is probably the most anxiety-ridden decision of my entire life. I just started here at the UW, I'm a freshman who lives in Sellery and I'm wondering how I can make the best impression possible this fall on my fellow peers. I need to pick the perfect Halloween costume.
You see how dire this situation is? If I don't have the correct level of slut-ness everyone on my floor will think I'm a fuckin' prude. On the other hand, if I throw down the $119.99 for the Playboy Scandalous Pirate costume I think the girls in my wing will be jealous and tell all the sexy guys who live near us that I've slept with semi-famous reality TV stars, (It is true, who wouldn't get on some ""Real Life"" men, you know?).
Anyway, I figure I've got two options: scour American Apparel online and buy a bodysuit and some rad metallic leggings and be Olivia Newton John, 2010.0 edition. Or I could always dress up like a Disney princess/fairy like Tinkerbell. Then the cute-ness factor might outweigh the ""I just wanna get laid"" vibe."" Any thoughts? Oh, I'm looking to appeal to an older man. All the guys in the dorms are weak sauce.
—Natalie
Monamaloola Natalie,
This is a very tough question. Not so much because I give a shit about your reputation (seriously, you could have at least fucked Bret Michaels and then possibly be considered a rock groupie, which is at least one step above the common slut), but more because I'm actually a bird. So of course I'm going to tell you that it is imperative you purchase the Playboy Saucy Marie costume for $199.99. It'll be worth it. You don't need to pay your bills, that shit's for chumps. Just go bankrupt like the corporate big guns.
Plus, your overly inviting costume will be more than enough justification for the old, lewd geezers that frequent Freakfest to grab the barely covered asses of girls like you as you're sashaying down the street. You said you liked older men anyway, so you can't call me a pervert.
Personally, I don't suggest going anywhere near American Apparel for a Halloween costume. Basic T's? Sure, why not. Then when you eventually give in to some loser on your floor they can borrow your teal-colored Unisex 50/50 v-neck to walk with you to Pop's for some post-coital sustenance. But if you look specifically for a costume, you will walk out looking like fucking Borat.
That is, unless you purchase the clitoris-grazing Micro-Mesh Gloria V-Bodysuit, cuz DAYUM! That'd be so hot. I don't know what the hell you would be dressing up as, but every male virgin would be Gloria-ously ""excited"" to see their first glimpse of the most celebrated part of the female anatomy. You will be changing lives for the better.
In short, don't worry your slutty little head about those girls on your floor. Once you're sexin' some hot half-famous piece of ass like Rob Schneider because he somehow was in Madison for Halloween and he somehow gets you pregnant and then by some miracle he asks you to be his lawfully wedded trophy wife, it won't even matter.
Deer Cardinal,
I have a problem. It's not incontinence exactly, but I have issues with urination. I can't seem to make it into the toilet. And when I say that it's not because I'm a dude and I just aim poorly, but more due to the fact that I just can't stop urinating in public. I'm not talking that creepy shit where I like peeing in front of people or on them or whatever, so don't get the wrong idea. I just really enjoy letting my junk swing in the breeze, sneakily hidden behind the Dane County Courthouse as I scrawl my name on its walls.
We were born to relieve ourselves in open spaces, on grass, buildings or any other medium that isn't porcelain. In fact, my favorite building to erode with my own ammonia is the Capitol. It's just so refreshing to sidle up to those white, white walls late at night with a tree at my backside and let it rip! I've done it at least a handful of times. Ah, I'm getting wistful. I'd better stop here.
—John
Monamaloola John,
I'm afraid I can't tell you
that you need to stop John, because, like you, I also enjoy urinating in public. In fact, earlier today I committed what I think is one of my best P.U. stunts of all time.
I was in Walgreens on East Washington Avenue buying some toilet paper (for when I have to number two, OK?) and some Altoids when I realized that I really had to piss. I tried to do the ""normal"" thing and look for a restroom. After I had circled the pharmacy three times and endured countless flyers attempting to convince me to get a flu shot, I gave the fuck up.
I went to the counter and bought my items, but as soon as I stepped out into the sun the urge hit me even more. I proceeded to look around for any possible place to do my business and saw the utilities box back by the loading dock. Thankfully, Walgreens had attempted to plant some measly shrubs next to it, so there was some cover. Seeing no one too close, I ducked behind the box. But get this: I was so busy keeping a lookout that it was only halfway through when I looked down and saw I was relieving myself on a dead mouse. What the fuck, right? Awesome.
To answer your question, keep P.U.-ing, just don't get caught. And stop pissing on the Capitol. Don't you know the golden Lady Forward is watching your every drop? Karma, John. Karma.
