As my final days as a student at UW-Madison fade into the distant horizon on a Memorial Union Terrace sunset, I can't help but feel like a part of me is about to die. No, I'm not talking about that part of me I lost to frostbite in my extremities during the Camp Randall Outdoor Classic when I tried to urinate on the opposing team's mascot (wish it was Goldy Gopher). No, I'm talking about a much more metaphorical type of death—the death of my weekly opportunity to yammer on about trivial topics that vaguely relate to the UW-Madison campus. As a tribute to the death of my column and to that small part of me, I've decided to write our obituary to save some time and also to get one final jab at my critics.
Jon and his weekly column died suddenly this past Thursday from a combination of injuries sustained from unruly readers, numerous spelling errors and salmonella poisoning.
In their final moments, Jon and his column seemed almost euphoric in recalling their fondest memories at UW-Madison such as when Jon gave Bucky an open-palm slap on the behind, or when his column earned Jon a permanent ban from buying Penn tennis balls. After discussing at length whether or not ""NBA Jam"" cost him a shot at med school, Jon and his column ended their lives with an impromptu dance number featuring numerous references to UW-Madison, fist pumping and a 14-minute solo by Piccolo Man.
Jon and his column enjoyed discussing if Ian's Pizza was superior to Toppers Stix while walking down the Lakeshore Path toward Picnic Point. They would often sit out on the Porter Boathouse pier and braid each other's hair for hours on end, arguing over the proper spelling of Mayor Dave Cieslewicz's name. To this day, Jon still swears that there is a ""q"" in there somewhere.
Jon and his column were known for equally offending all races, sexes, creeds, fraternities and Girl Scout troops. Although they were never acknowledged with any journalistic awards, Jon's parents always said that his columns were ""really neat,"" and that he was at the forefront of muckraking and investigative journalism.
Jon and his column will be remembered for their lack of a coherent message, plagiarized material and an unnecessarily large obsession with Jon's ex-girlfriend Sherry, who doesn't even exist. As it turns out, Jon never actually went to UW-Madison, but he fooled The Daily Cardinal staff into believing he was a student simply so he could incoherently ramble once a week to a wide audience. Hopefully you never attempted to send an email to Jon in response to one of his columns because he completely made up that e-mail address.
Jon and his column are preceded in death by Jon's dignity and self-respect. Also Billy Mays. Jon and his column are survived by Jon's very embarrassed family and friends who want nothing to do with the subsequent funeral arrangements.
Services for Jon and his column's funeral will likely not be held, as Jon requested that his ashes be formed into a very sexually suggestive statue and thrust into a very sexually suggestive hole in the ground on Bascom Hill and, frankly, no one wants to grant his last wishes. Instead, it is more than likely that Jon and his column will be harvested by back-alley organ dealers hoping to make a few quick bucks.
In their honor, a Jon Spike and His Subpar Column Memorial Fund has been established to help needy Page two columnists lie about their academic standing in order to keep writing. Donations can be sent to spike@wisc.edu or slipped under the door of Jon's apartment building. He'll make sure it gets to the right people.
In an ironic and very fitting twist to the sordid chapter that was Jon and his column's lives, Jon died the day before the recipe for immortality was discovered by scientists. Jon also conveniently died the week before all of his various lawsuits from columns over the past year were to go trial.
We can only assume Jon's last words were a tired catchphrase from a mid-'90s movie or a poorly constructed pun.
Are you clinically depressed that your life will have around five less terrible puns each week because Jon's column is finally over? Don't tell him about it at spike@wisc.edu because that e-mail will be deactivated in the coming days.
