Jocker Spaniel
This breed is distinguished by its fine coat of sweatpants bearing the dog's name and number, as well as a flock of female dogs (bitches, if you will) following it around campus. This dog enjoys travelling via moped, and often believes that its feces does not stink. The Jocker Spaniel is an incredibly athletic dog, but it often wastes its potential by drinking too much water and urinating itself in front of the police.
English Sleepdog
This breed can be distinguished in the lecture hall by its long, greasy hair, distinct body odor and penchant for falling asleep and snoring loudly in the middle of class, much to the chagrin of the other breeds near it. This breed is generally a loner, as its complete lack of social skills and poor hygiene scares even the most persistent butt-smelling breeds. It should be fed a steady diet of hot pockets and kept away from female breeds at all times.
Bassett Street Hound
This breed typically likes to live with five to seven other hounds in a beat-up house-turned-apartment, especially if the apartment smells vaguely of vomit and urine. This breed's hair is shaggy, unkempt and often has bits of food stuck in it. The breed likes to take short walks to the Echo Tap, where urinating indoors is acceptable and encouraged. Beware of inviting this breed to any parties.
Sororian Husky
This breed is always groomed extensively and takes great pride in its coat. This particular breed also comes highly accessorized by its owners. Sororian Huskies may become aggressive and growl if any other breed tries to take the seat next to them in a lecture hall, as that seat is saved for the husky's large purse and Blackberry. Sororian Huskies somehow do not poop.
Poodler
This breed is noted by its tendency to completely zone out in lectures and carve intricate designs into the wooden seat in front of it. The Poodler is also characterized by its absurd coat, horrible semester grades and embarrassment the breed causes its parents. Do not associate with the Poodler if at all possible.
Saintly Barnard
This breed is distinguished by its almost disgusting work ethic and perfect class attendance and semester grades. This breed always stays in its dorm on weekends and takes only short walks to the nearest library. The Saintly Barnard also tends to be the favorite breed of TAs because of its excellent participation in discussion groups. The breed was named for its ""perfect"" behavior in the dorm, where it often lives on campus.
Frat Terrier
This breed is easy to pick out due to the symbols on its coat, as well as its very loud and raucous behavior regardless of the social situation. This breed is not easily housebroken, so be prepared for many accidents inside. The Frat Terrier will do whatever it takes to hump any other breed, especially Sororian Huskies, so owners should make sure to get it neutered very young. Seriously, do it immediately. For all of us.
Potweiler
This breed is noted by its red eyes, relaxed attitude, laziness and distinct smell of smoke and Funyuns. Strangely enough, the Potweiler likes to be fed large amounts of food right around or after 4:20. The Potweiler loves to play catch with the frisbee, and many veterinarians believe the Potweiler would love to play Ultimate Frisbee if the breed had opposable thumbs. Instead of barking, the Potweiler just says ""man"" a lot and mumbles.
Great Dayne
This breed lives in Madison, gets showered with praise and awards, then flames out once it moves to New York. The breed then brings up how it won the Heisman in the Puppy Bowl that one time, but no one listens.
O Chem Labrador Re-Taker
This breed is noted for its refusal to accept that Organic Chemistry is impossible. Despite all of the other breeds explaining to it that O Chem is horrific and will eat your soul, the Labrador Re-Taker will still sign up next fall and fail all over again. This breed is known for tearing up lab reports in frustration and leaving them in pieces all over the floor.
Froshund
The Froshund is known for its comical appearance, absentminded nature and tendency to drink too much water and make a fool of itself in front of the other breeds. The Froshund, like the Frat Terrier, will do anything to hump other breeds and should be hit often with a rolled-up newspaper. This breed likes to travel in packs to parties on Friday and Saturday nights, where it will look for large drinking bowls and more breeds to hopefully hump on the dance floor.
Did Jon forget any breeds in his breakdown of the UW-Madison campus? Let him know at spike@wisc.edu.
