I'm naturally competitive by nature (though I could totally be less competitive than anybody! Anybody!) and this weekly column has not done much to diminish that competitive spirit within me. Week in and week out, I have to stare in defeat as I view The Daily Cardinal website's ""Most Read"" tab and see the Friday Sex Column (written expertly by Erica Andrist) pummeling my unfunny Thursday column into the ground. What have I done wrong? Well, who am I kidding. It's not me. It's you. Yeah, you. Readers like you who love the explosions, the car chases and, oh yes, the sex. That sexy sex. Yes, you're salivating right now at just the mention of the word. If I'm ever going to take down the ""Most Read"" crown, it's going to be through sex, and lots of it.
However, I'm not completely selling out to get readers. I've decided to ground this sex column in research about UW-Madison and its strange history relating to sexual education. Below are some of the key moments in Sex Ed at UW-Madison. Inappropriate lines have been edited out.
1923- Helen C. White and Elizabeth Waters finally open up to the campus about their month-long love affair on the shores of Lake Mendota. After a large mob chases them out of town with torches and pitchforks, two buildings are later erected and named in each woman's honor, both placed on the shoreline of Lake Mendota. Some say that if you stand by the waves of Lake Mendota on the Lakeshore path, you can faintly make out the sound of Helen and Elizabeth dry-humping in the night to the tune of ""On Wisconsin.""
1965- Orgy Hall, the newly created specialty dorm for sexual deviants, nearly destroys itself through anarchy and lewd behavior. The dorm is renamed Ogg Hall in 1979, but nothing else really changes about the dorm and its sexual promiscuity.
1971- Newly crowned Chancellor Biff Hardbody, a retired action-porn actor, declares September at UW-Madison to be ""Sextember,"" vowing to get every student and faculty member laid. When told there were over 40,000 students and staff on campus, Chancellor Hardbody instructed Memorial Union employees to dissolve the Hoofer Sailing Club and use the sailing material for thousands of makeshift condoms.
1983- Rumors around campus perpetuate the myth that Bascom was the legendary ""day-after hill,"" a place where a woman could go after a one-night stand to avoid becoming pregnant. Although the amount of Ultimate Frisbee on Bascom Hill increased by 200 percent, so did the amount of females dropping out of UW-Madison for ""personal reasons.""
1997- Homecumming Committee's ill-fated ""Wear Red, Get Head"" campaign goes horribly wrong after local transients manage to infiltrate the sea of crimson-clad students and ruin the fun for everyone.
2006- Scientists develop a way to help embryonic stem cells reproduce on their own after explaining the reverse panda wheelbarrow sexual position to the cells via crude chalkboard diagrams.
2007- That one room that always has its light on at the top of Van Hise finally goes dark after a two-year sex session between two horny French TAs.
2008- Outrage over a fraternity's idea to have a ""Breast Awareness Month"" in jest of the similarly-named month promoting breast cancer awareness leads to riots and violence in the streets. As punishment, the fraternity is forced to watch an entire UW softball game from beginning to end.
2009- A student was expelled from UW-Madison after ________ing his TA in the _______ with a ___________________ , a George Foreman grill, __________________ then he _______ed her with a _________________ Bucky Badger __________________ pineapple __________________ drove the zamboni directly into her ________________
____________________ broken pelvis ____________________ ball-peen hammer ____
__________________________. Unfortunately, the whole act was caught on film by ___.
Bielema, who ______ed off to the tape while __________ing his ___________________
________, all while ________________________ fist pumping ____________________. Chancellor Biddy Martin somehow taught everyone a lesson through the tragic event by _________ing the ______ out of Bielema using a ___________ pinata ___________, right on Bascom Hill.
Sex. spike@wisc.edu.
