Mifflin residents eager to allow intoxicated strangers into their homes next weekend
In anticipation for the yearly street party this weekend, residents of Mifflin Street are cheerfully purchasing kegs and bottles of liquor to accommodate the estimated hundreds of complete strangers that will likely be showing up to their houses unannounced in just a few short days.
""I'm really excited. I mean, this is the best party of the year. Me and my roommate Kyle already bought three kegs, and I even bought 10 Swiffer mops to soak up any urine on the floor just in case someone I don't know comes in, has a little too much to drink and decides to take a leak somewhere besides the bathroom,"" said Mifflin resident and UW-Madison senior Mike Kelvins.
""Allowing random people that you have never met before into your home to drink, vomit on your carpet, urinate in your sink and possibly steal a shitload of precious valuables has been a Mifflin tradition for decades,"" said Madison sociology professor Michele Lee.
""And while not all strangers are sketchy, blacked-out thieves, my department estimates that up to 43 percent of all house-invading strangers during Mifflin are eager to defecate on their hosts' bedsheets,"" Lee added.
To ensure that this article remained fair and balanced, I was able to secure a brief interview with 26-year-old sketchy, alcoholic stranger Michael Enginey, who shared his plans for Mifflin.
""Oh, I don't know anyone on Mifflin. Never have, never will; but I'll tell you it's by far my favorite part of the year. I usually wake up around 8 a.m. and chug a bottle of whiskey to make sure I black out immediately, then I put on a big, big coat so that I can hide all the expensive shit I steal from people's houses,"" he said.
But for Enginey, stealing hundreds or thousands of dollars of valuables left in kitchens and living rooms makes up only a fraction of the joyous day that is Mifflin.
""After I've chugged my whiskey, I'll hit the random houses, drinking everyone's beer and stealing what I can—maybe a watch here, a necklace there. But for me, the best part is the fact that all the bathrooms always have such long lines, since it gives me a great excuse to go into a bedroom and just piss all over some person whom I don't know's bed. And here's a warning to whoever is nice enough to welcome me into their homes: I piss A LOT, so you better buy some fucking Swiffer mops,"" Enginey added excitedly.
