I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and we have been having sex for about six months. I think the sex is good but I have one concern. His favorite position is me on top, either facing him or in the reverse cowgirl. I like it too, but I am very self-conscious about the way my body looks sometimes and it distracts me from how it feels. I've talked to my boyfriend and some of my friends, but I can't figure out how to get over it. Any ideas?
—Feeling Flabby
Hey FF, glad you e-mailed. Lots of people ask questions about what to do once they've gotten naked with someone; sometimes, we forget just the getting naked part can pose the occasional problem, even though most (if not all) of us have experienced a body confidence letdown at some point or another.
I'm not going to spend a whole bunch of time telling you, ""Omg, gurl, you're so hot and your body is fab and you're beautiful just the way you are!"" Is the reason we don't always feel confident because there are largely unrealistic standards and images of hotness projected to us all the time? Yeah. But let's be real. On some level, you probably already know that, and knowing that doesn't always help us feel great about our bodies all the time.
So what do you do? My advice: fake it until you make it, and if you're just not making it, then change it. First, fake it. What makes you feel confident and sexy? Vamp it up. Make that sexy face you make in the bathroom mirror when no one else is home. Do your hair just the way you like it, slip into some slinky lingerie, bust out your mascara and put on some bedroom eyes. Put a red lightbulb in your nightstand lamp to give your skin a warm glow. Whatever it takes to make you feel confident—do it.
But there is a reason this is the first step—it's only a temporary fix. Know how smiling can help make you happier, even if you're not feeling so chipper? The goal of faking it is, eventually, to make it; with time, your makeup becomes part of your make-up.
In addition to focusing on things that make you feel sexy, focus on those things about you that are sexy. While precious few of us love everything about our bodies, most of us can find a few hot spots, so to speak. If we find ourselves feeling not-so-hot, maybe we run our long, graceful fingers through our cute new haircut. Maybe we swing our curvy hips just a little bit more. Maybe we can't help but flash a gorgeous smile as we think about how our amazing our bodies must be to allow us to feel such pleasure.
Focus on the parts of your body you love. Focus on the parts that feel good. Focus on the parts you think are hot. What makes your body feel good? When does your body feel best? When do you feel best about your body? Maybe your partner helps. What does s/he love about your body?
Finally, some days, we just might not be feeling it. Consumer culture relies not only on selling us things we want, but on things we ""need""—and we ""need"" to have undergarments that will lift our breasts higher, supplements that will make our muscles bigger and vajazzlers that will make our pubic mounds sparklier (don't even get me started on the number of vulvar/vaginal enhancement products on the market today). Body confidence is not something one just magically acquires one day and then has on his or her person 24/7 for perpetuity. It's a process, and sometimes, even the most body-confident may have an off day.
But that shouldn't preclude us from having great sex. If we're too concerned about the way our bodies look to enjoy sex, change the sex so it looks different, but feels the same. FF and her BF like reverse cowgirl? Fine. But if FF isn't feeling fine enough to enjoy the ride, then there are ways to modify it.
Other positions that will allow for the same deep penetration or G-spot stimulation as reverse cowgirl—but a different view—include spooning or doggy style. If it's the power of being on top that gets you off, try non-physical ways of taking charge. Talk dirty to your partner. Tell him or her exactly what to do. Explain in great detail what you are going to do to him or her. There isn't some intrinsic aspect of reverse cowgirl that makes it someone's favorite position; try and think about what you find so great about it. Then, if you're having one of those days where your confidence levels take reverse cowgirl off the table, you'll still know what you need to have great sex.
Thanks for writing, FF, and when you're working with body confidence, try to remember one thing above all—cut yourself some slack. We're college students; we have more important things to do than worry about the way we worry about our bodies. Recognize that there will be fab days and some flab days, but we can have lots of fun just in the process of making sex feel great—inside and out.
Ever had a sex question you couldn't discuss with your partner? E-mail Erica all your unanswered sex-related questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
