This is a tough question for me to ask, but I am very concerned my boyfriend is cheating on me. He is always busy lately, and when we do hang out, he always seems distracted or angry...I don't have any real evidence that he's cheating, but I just am concerned...what should I do?
—Worried
Wow Worried, that is a tough question. Relationships are tricky enough when communication is good, but throw in a little distrust and/or suspicion and things can get hairier than my legs in the middle of January.
First, I'd like to offer a gentle reminder about the assumptions we sometimes make in relationships. Many of us enter a relationship assuming our and our partners' monogamy. A monogamous relationship is most certainly not a bad or unhealthy desire, but it is also most certainly not a universal desire. Further, a ""monogamous"" relationship can be defined differently by different people.
Take some time to discuss your relationship status with your partner. It doesn't have to be framed as an accusation, but it's important to make sure everyone is aware of partners' wants, needs and boundaries. Are you both on the same page about what constitutes cheating? No matter how long a relationship has lasted, it's always a good idea to make sure everyone's expectations are clear in order to minimize the likelihood of confusion, misunderstandings and/or hurt feelings.
If you've had that boundary discussion already, Worried, then there's really only one (sensible) thing left to do—have a chat with your boyfriend about his recent behavior and demeanor. We all deserve a partner we trust to respect our boundaries. If you let this suspicion fester, your relationship will suffer. If you refuse to confront him in favor of snooping through his e-mail or text messages, your relationship will suffer. If you interrogate his and your friends about his whereabouts, your relationship will suffer. And your relationship will suffer whether he's cheating or not.
Begin your discussion as you wrote in your e-mail: ""Hey, you've seemed really busy lately, and I miss hanging out with you. What have you been working so hard on?"" or, ""You seem a little distracted tonight. What's on your mind?"" Try to avoid yes-or-no questions, and feel free to probe—""A project for your biology class? You told me how much you love that class. How's it going?"" People in relationships generally talk about their day-to-day lives, so it's hardly out of line for you to ask about work, school, etc.
However, be aware going in that this may not give you what you want. Maybe his answers are enough to calm your worries, or maybe the discussion gives him an opportunity to confess. But maybe not. So while these tips may help you ease into the conversation, you may still need to be direct. ""I've noticed we don't spend as much time together as we used to, and I'm worried the reason for this might be because you've been seeing someone else."" Try your best to be calm. Listen to what he has to say.
I can't help you beyond this point, except to say above all, take care of yourself. Healthy relationships make us feel happy, loved and fulfilled. Yes, sometimes they also make us feel like total shit, but on the whole, when we think about our lovers, that dopey smile should start to creep over our faces. Don't sacrifice that dopey smile because you feel uncertain, guilty or afraid. You are the person who best understands what it is you need from a partner or a relationship, and nobody has the right to make you believe otherwise.
Is there any chance at all that anal sex will stretch out my anus so I can't control when I have to poop?
—Poopypants
Only if you're doing it wrong, and your body will warn you well before you do any damage of that caliber. Use lube, relax and don't force it. Your anus will be fine. Though my credibility may never recover from publishing a letter signed ""Poopypants.""
Is it gross to kiss a guy after you give him head?
—C.M.
Maybe—ask him! This is purely an issue of personal preference; apart from the potential risks associated with oral sex, there aren't any additional safety concerns associated with post-oral kissing or snowballing.
How do you know if you have an STD?
—STD
You go to UHS and they tell you. If anything about your nethers is looking or feeling funky—funky bumps, funky colors, funky smells—stop by UHS for free STI screening. Since some STI's can be asymptomatic, it may be also good idea to make regular appointments, even if nothing is funky. Low-cost screenings are also available at Planned Parenthood, Access Community Health Centers or the AIDS Network.
Worried, Poopypants, C.M. and STD—thanks for making this a record week here at The Dirty Bird. I cannot possibly describe to you how excited I get when I open my inbox to find such a plethora of great questions that students really want to know the answers to. Keep it up. [Insert erection joke here].
Erica was so excited to get so many e-mails this week! Why don't you keep her happy by e-mailing her all your sex questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
