Last week, the female-oriented cable network Oxygen decided that once a week was just not enough of ""The Bad Girls Club,"" so much to my delight, they ran a marathon. Episode after episode of sexually frustrated, trashy, drunk women. Quality entertainment. But then... I realized: ""The Bad Girl's Club"" is pretty much my life on TV. It's like someone has sneakily been watching me over the last 21 years and thought, ""Wow. This kind of shit needs to be on TV!"" And thus, the show was born.
In reality, this doesn't really upset me at all. I love ""The Bad Girl's Club"" and aspire to be as classy as all of those fine ladies. After I finish my two-year stint as a Teach For America corps member, educating children and leveling the equality gap in America, I'll probably try out for the show. And I think anyone who has ever met me knows I'm pretty much guaranteed a spot (even though my ""Real World"" audition didn't work out so well).
The first tip-off was when the ladies first entered their house and discovered that in the center of their living room was a pole. As in a pole used by professional ladies who dance for dollars. Not only were some of them quite skilled in their dancing abilities, but in a later episode, they hired one of the aforementioned ladies to come and show them more impressive and skilled maneuvers.
It just so happens that I am also somewhat of a pole connoisseur myself. I am proudly in my second session of pole classes at Miss Pole and last week I learned my first upside-down trick. No big deal... I'm just saying that clearly, I would fit in with the current group of pole-loving Bad Girls.
Following their pole shenanigans, the girls decided to have a fun night out on the town. They piled into their Oxygen-paid for limo and consumed massive quantities of Oxygen-paid for booze. Then they repeat. Over and over again, club after club, night after night.
I don't think that any fun-loving American girl could resist such an easy, alcohol-fueled life. Especially if they aren't paying for any of it. I am fun-loving and American. I like alcohol, more so when it's free. I'll take some pretty extreme measures to get it. Signing up to be on one of the least respectable reality TV shows—yes, I think there is a hierarchy—why not? In these tough economic times we all have to make sacrifices.
But here's where the similarities become shockingly... similar. When these girls get trashed, they get very mean and very naked. So do I!
While I don't commonly find myself getting into physical altercations, when push comes to shove, I shove and grab a fistful of hair while I'm at it. And even though my arguments probably make no sense (I can't really be sure because I rarely remember them), when I get tipsy, I LOVE to talk shit. It's probably my favorite thing to do. It's also probably the reason I can't count my total number of friends on one hand. Whatever.
To be fair, in regards to the nudity, I don't ever really strip down to my birthday suit and hop into swimming pools, but after a couple shots of tequila and a gallon or so of beer, there's nothing in the world I hate more than pants. So I take mine off. I've learned that this behavior is largely unavoidable, so I try to wear dresses or leggings in social situations where alcohol is present.
But sometimes, you just can't avoid it and it's off with the pants! Or at least valiant attempts at removing them. It's normally at that point in the evening that one of my [five] friends decides I've had enough and shoves me into a taxi. My roommate sophomore year was completely accustomed to waking up in the morning to me sprawled on our living room floor, bare ass up. Luckily this year my bedroom is actually closer to the front door than the living room so it's much easier to stumble into an appropriate room.
Separately, these might just seem like the tendencies of any shit-canned individual with no morals or dignity, but when you take it all into consideration—pole/stripper class, alcoholism, nudist tendencies, general bitchery—my rightful place in life is clearly on ""The Bad Girls Club."" Keep your eyes on the Oxygen network... you'll probably see me there real soon.
If you are sick and tired of hearing about Jillian's obsession with reality TV and wish she'd write something of substance and value, keep dreaming. Be more realistic and e-mail her compliments or your personal pole anecdotes at jlevy2@wisc.edu.
