My boyfriend and I have been together for several months and we are thinking about having sex. I am a virgin and so is he... How do we know if we are ready for the first time?
Virgin Couple
Ah, V.C., an age-old question. I think the process of sexual decision-making is a fascinating topic, and for many of us, one of the bigger decisions we make is when and with whom to have sex for the first time.
Before I get into that, though, I want to take just a second to talk about virginity on college campuses. College students sometimes get a reputation for being wild, adventurous types. However, according to statistics released by the Centers for Disease Control in 2007, less than half of high school teenagers (47.8 percent) report having ever had sex, and only about a third (35 percent) report being currently sexually active. Although ""sex"" and ""sexually active"" can be ambiguous terms, the implication is clear—unless some serious boning is going on the summer before freshman year, many students come to the UW as abstinent as they are excited.
When pondering the end of our abstinence, the first step is being able to talk to our partners about the decision itself. How do our partners respond when we tell them we're not quite sure? Are they understanding, or do they try to dismiss our concerns? While the first time is certainly not a huge, heavy choice for everyone, the choice to engage in any kind of sexual activity should always be an informed, wholehearted one. If our partners seem to belittle our right to make this choice, that might be a tip-off that this isn't the person to have sex with, first time or not.
Do we feel comfortable talking about the (potential) sex itself? Making sure everyone's needs are met, making sure potential risks are mitigated, etc.? We certainly don't need to have a complete Unplanned Pregnancy Action Plan (that's sort of oxymoronic, actually), but if we don't feel comfortable talking about these things with our partners, that might be tip-off number two to give it more time.
Finally, though this is a much more abstract criterion, it's important to accept the fact that we might make a mistake. The short answer to your question, V.C., is that often we don't ""know."" Predicting our feelings and reactions several days/weeks/years from now can be tricky territory. Many of us are socialized to believe the first time should be a magical, breathtaking experience with someone we're going to love—or at least have a special place in our hearts for—forever. That isn't always, nor should it necessarily be, the case.
Some of us thought we were in love, but as it turns out—we weren't. Some of us didn't see the first time as anything particularly special. Some of us didn't have our first sexual experiences by choice, which raises complex questions about what constitutes ""sex"" for the ""first time."" Whatever the case may be, recognize that our first sexual experiences are unique to us, and know the glittering first-time façade is not a responsibility or an expectation.
Which brings us to...
My boyfriend and I just started having sex. We were both virgins, and honestly pretty inept in the bedroom. My question is about the first time. While he enjoyed it, I found the experience painful at worst and somewhat uninteresting at best...What gives? Will it get better?
Thanks,
First Timer
Yes, F.T., it will. In addition to the whole romance-love-eternity pitch, we also sometimes get the transcendent-orgasm-mindblower model. But while pain is our body's cue to stop and re-evaluate our approach, pleasurable sex is just like any other recreational activity. We're not even born with the skills to feed ourselves—why do we think cosmic cunnilingus capabilities should just, erm, come naturally?
Your first task is a really simple one, F.T.: Go out and get yourself some lube. We have like eight different kinds for free in the Sex Out Loud office; and if you want to take a trip to A Woman's Touch on Willy Street, they'll have eight more. Next, use that lube, your hands and your mouth to engage in a little sexploration with your partner. Tell him how you like to be touched, and better yet, show him. Ask him how he likes to be touched. Touch yourself while he touches you. Find a position that allows you to control the depth/speed/angle of penetration. Does it hurt? Stop. Try something else. Maybe come back to it later. Maybe not.
Too often, we use ""sex"" and ""intercourse"" interchangeably. But what often gets dismissed as ""foreplay"" leading up to a main intercourse event is actually the most intimate, pleasurable part of sex for many of us. Explore. Touch. Taste. Smell. Look. Watch. Listen. Try. It might take an hour, it might take a year. But pleasurable sex and orgasm are not instinct—they're learned. And working with our partners to make sure we're having safe, pleasurable, enthusiastic sex is a skill each of us should aspire to acquire, whether it's the first time or the five hundredth.
Ask Erica all your sex-related questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
