With the year coming to a close, it's only natural that we sit back and reflect on the past several months. This semester has proven to be an eventful one, complete with bipolar weather (hot flashes included), mountains of bullshit-filled essays (what else is new), and a snowstorm that left more white powder on the ground than a bathroom full of runway models. Yes, this semester has been special.
Now is the time we study for finals, refresh our facebook pages 281 times per hour and sleep/ eat away our misery. Now is the time, out of desperation, we consider leaving school for greater endeavors, such as panhandling on State Street and cleaning out the grooves in the soles of our sneakers. And with just 18 days till 2010, now is the time to ask ourselves, ""What will my New Year's resolution be?""
Of course, many make resolutions, and few actually keep them. Why? Because they're unrealistic, even the most popular ones! Take a look:
1) Be more respectful to family
Sure, sure. This idea seems all warm and gooey now as you sit in the library all greasy-haired, exhausted and certifiably delirious, dreaming of home-cooked meals. You're probably thinking, ""But of course I'll be nicer to my family, I hardly ever see them!""
Two words for you: Just wait.
With 27 days between the official end of the semester and the start of the next one, you'll have more than enough time to be initially excited to see your family, then increasingly agitated by their surveillance of your sleeping/eating/breathing patterns, till finally you're running out of the house in your underwear screaming, ""YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!"" (Sigh) It's happened to the best of us, let's be honest. How about this for a more plausible resolution:
Edit: Be more respectful to family—within the four-day interim period of arriving and leaving home.
Very good.
2) Work out and/or lose weight
This resolution has all the right ingredients; it promotes a healthy lifestyle, it's positive, it's doable—but it doesn't last. Any dieter can tell you (as well as nymphomaniac and heroin addicts), a habit is hard to beat. If you're used to downing bowls of pasta, rolls of cookie dough and frozen pizzas, you may find it hard to entirely abstain for a full year, especially when your conscience is compromised by a couple of caloric and alcoholic beverages throughout the semester. A wise person (my roommate Stef) once told me to ""always take baby steps."" When it comes to such ""heavy"" matters as weight, these words are not to be taken lightly. Try this resolution on for size:
Edit: Work out and/or lose weight—on days when you're not intoxicated, stoned, stressed, depressed, or studying.
There we go. That's so much better!
3) Stop procrastinating
We all do it; it's the academic equivalent to showering, putting on pants and forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste so all the goop gets stuck to the sink—it's a part of the natural, human routine. Nonetheless, there are some people (fools, I call them) that feel the need to announce an abrupt halt of this activity (or lack thereof) on January 1st. Please, beware. That shit's gonna be broken at 12:04 a.m. after someone demands you leave the party and ""get your drunk ass home"" and you proclaim, ""NOT YET, FRIEND."" Spare yourself the guilt and embarrassment with this augmented resolution:
Edit: Accept procrastination and move on—the following day.
4) Enjoy life more
Yeah, this one's hard when you're trying to do anything remotely close to resolution numbers 1, 2 and 3. Surrender now.
Want some more New Year's guidance? Really? I'm flattered! Email me at gleicher@wisc.edu.
