ANYWHERE THERE IS A TEENAGE BOY MASTURBATING, U.S.—In a rare yet poignant moment, 18-year-old Markus Brandt came of age as he looked out his window at the stars after a long session of unfulfilling masturbation. ""There's got to be more to life than this,"" the college freshman and former starting free safety of his high school football team said quietly to himself.
Brandt had been manually pleasuring himself ""for years,"" but has never had an ejaculation as desperate or unsatisfactory as the one he had earlier tonight. ""It all started at Club Arbitrary Name Referring to Aspect of the University,"" said Brandt, who is stocky, yet slightly attractive. ""Jen and I grinded all night, even to the slower songs, but she had class in the morning, so I just ended up dropping her off at her dorm after the dance.""
Jennifer Powell, the girl Brandt has been crushing on since Welcome Week, only agreed to go to Club Arbitrary Name Referring to Aspect of the University with him because she knew he had a fake ID.
""So when I got home, I immediately went up to my room and pulled one out,"" says Brandt.
""Thank God my roommate was asleep. I would have had to do the old waistband trick if he would have tried to talk to me.""
The masturbation itself lasted a mere six minutes, which is actually ""way longer than usual,"" according to Brandt. Also, the only help he had available at the time was a two-minute clip of Name of '80s Porn Star that he had to keep looping.
""It was terrible. The quality was terrible. The music was terrible,"" Brandt said dejectedly. ""But I was using my old computer because everything else on my new one had gotten deleted when the system crashed last week.""
All of these unfortunate events led Brandt to begin questioning his existence and the meaning of life.
""I mean, is this it? Am I doomed to an eternal cycle of jacking off alone in the dark? Is there someone out there who feels the same way? Who isn't a dude?""
Brandt hopes that during his first month at University Where Students Are Sexually Frustrated he will find a soulmate who can fill the seemingly endless void in his existence, or at least someone who will give him an HJ.
""I heard from my older brother Danny that girls always put out the first few weeks of school because they don't know any better,"" said Brandt, who subsequently realized what his brother was implying and began to hate himself even more. ""Aw, man. I can only get girls who don't know any better.""
Brandt's older brother Danny met his girlfriend at a Fraternity with Few Morals and Minimal Community Service party, got her pregnant within months and was forced to get a job at Horrible Kitschy Restaurant to help pay child support for an infant with colic and a gluten allergy. ""Danny's life is awful,"" Brandt said. ""But at least he's had sex.""
In the near future, Brandt sees himself taking a spiritual journey in search of the answer to his post-masturbatory question. ""I know I will find meaning in my life. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll grasp something concrete,"" Brandt said. ""I may get Disease Resulting from Excessive Masturbation in the process, but at least I will hold the key to happiness when I'm finished.""
If you have ascertained the meaning of life from One's Own Very Personal Experience, please share your wealth of incredible stories and discoveries by sending them to VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
