Deer Cardinal,
I'm legitimately going to fail this final. I haven't been to lecture once, and I don't have any friends to mooch notes off of. How the hell can I pass this class?
-Frank R.
Monamaloola, Frank!
I've been in a similar situation before, and I've perfected a technique, given that you've attended at least a few discussion sections. First, identify the smartest person in the class who takes hand-written notes, and identify her notebook type and color. Next, go buy an identical notebook. Finally, you're ready to make the switch. Casually sit next to her in discussion, and when the class is almost over, create some kind of distraction. It can be anything really: a spilled drink, you could yell and point out the window that you saw President Obama walk by outside, expose your genitals... the possibilities are limitless. Once you've made the switch, run out of class to the nearest library and send an e-mail to the student explaining ""how stupid you are"" for ""accidentally"" grabbing her notebook, and say you'll return it as soon as you get out of class that afternoon. Instead, spend the next hour or so photocopying each and every page of notes before returning it apologetically and disappearing into the night. Sure, it's a bit of a jerk move, but if the class isn't graded on a curve and you're not planning on seeing this person again, there's really no harm to it. So ready your excuses and your spare change for the photocopiers at Helen C., Frank, because you're going to pass this class with flying colors.
Deer Cardinal,
I need to get home after my last final, but I don't want to spend any money. How can I secure a ride back to my hometown without dropping a dime?
-Curtis F.
What up, Curt—
The easiest way to pull this off is to identify someone in your dorm with the same destination as you. Send them a Facebook message saying your dad was supposed to come pick you up, but he's going to be too busy in the hospital with your mom, who has been stricken with a debilitating case of scurvy. Use genuine and heartfelt language about how ""you don't want to cause any inconvenience"" and how you'll ""definitely help out with anything I can."" The second phrase is key: Do NOT use the words ""gas money."" The day of, grab some of your roommate's snacks like usual when he's at class, and snag a few of your old burned CDs from high school. Then, go find your ride and plop your stuff in the back, before loudly complaining how many stores you had to search to find this specific type of snack and how long you agonized over the tracks to the CD you burned specifically for this trip home, aptly named Summer Jamz '04. If after all of this, your ride still asks for a bit of money at the end, search through your wallet and bemoan that you ""totally left that $20 back in the dorm"" and promise to ""hit him back"" whenever you see him next. Then, transfer schools.
To learn more ways to cut corners, e-mail the master at deercardinal@dailycardinal.com.
