The Facts of Life
1) Time passes.
2) We die.
3) Broccoli is healthier than beer.
4) ""The Oprah Winfrey Show"" will end.
On Friday, The Facts of Life received an addition as Winfrey announced that in the fall of 2011, her show will come to a close. The gut-wrenching news came as a shock to many viewers who frantically asked themselves, ""But what will I do between 3-4 p.m. Central Standard Time?"" and, ""What other show can so easily drown out my roommate's mindless babble?"" and, ""Who else can help me with my destructive sexual addiction?"" (Check out today's episode for details!)
It's true—America is losing one of its great institutions. However, Winfrey has promised audiences that for the last 18 months, she intends to produce some of her best shows.
Instantly, the wheels started turning: What will be her next giveaway? Who will she have on her show? And how can we finally get good ol' Madison in the spotlight? Here are my interviewee suggestions:
Scanner Dan
Dan's the man. That's just the way it is. Add that to The Facts of Life! With his scanner, booming voice, and taunting points at passersby, Scanner Dan is the symbol of charisma—and Madison! Who knows, someday Madison could be renamed ""MadisDan"" or ""WisconScan."" But before that happens, Winfrey must feature him on her show. I await the day when Scanner Dan stands atop Winfrey's couch (Tom Cruise style) and yells, ""Hey Oprah, YOU'VE GOT DIARRHEA!!!!!!"" What's that called? Television history.
The woman who works at the smoothie stand
No smile lights up this campus more than this woman's. Her signature banana-strawberry-coconut, ""it's-better-than-crack"" smoothies, coupled with her cheerful and animated demeanor, are the greatest cures for any all-nighter. Plus, her 50-cent cookies taste divine and that instant straw dispenser makes gulping those babies down even easier. When she appears on the show, she just might steal the spotlight from Oprah herself. Hey, she'll need a replacement!
Piccolo Pete
You know him, I know him, we all know him—but do we really know Piccolo Pete? With his spot in front of the University Bookstore, his long white beard and his unmistakable piccolo music, it's hard to imagine Library Mall without imagining Piccolo Pete. I think it's time Pete took a seat beside Oprah and told all, memoir-style. From his first steps, to his high school prom, to the first time he picked up the piccolo, I'd love for Oprah to unravel the man that is cloaked in mystery—and his trusty orange jumpsuit. Plus, she could really use more musical guests.
Now for the giveaways:
Inflatable Terrace Chairs
One look at a terrace chair and suddenly gravity takes over as your butt is drawn straight to its multi-colored beauty. But what if we could enjoy the terrace chairs not only on the terrace, but also in our own living rooms, or even our own bathrooms? If Winfrey offered these chairs as giveaways, they'd become a household necessity, like the toaster, the toilet and the fork.
Spicy Cheese Bread
This stuff is better than crack, it's better than smoothies—it's like heaven in a little plastic bag! On Saturdays at the outdoor farmer's market, Madison residents have a taste of something so sublimely delicious, it should be illegal in fifteen states... but it's not! If Winfrey offered this bread as a giveaway, the shop that makes it would receive more orders than late-night Toppers, Jimmy Johns and Jin's Chicken... combined! Madison would be coined the ""Spicy Cheese Bread State"" and for years afterward, kids all across the nation would dress as Spicy Cheese Bread for Halloween (plastic bag not included). Ohhh, the possibilities.
Do you have some Oprah Winfrey Show ideas? Think you should be on it? Lets see what we can do! Email me at gleicher@wisc.edu.
