Facing moral dilemmas typically creates extremely difficult situations for me, not only because I have no morals, but also, I lack any kind of decision-making skills whatsoever.
So imagine my dismay when last week both the Badger Herald and the Daily Cardinal—the newspaper I've worked at for the previous three years—called for a student boycott of the Nitty Gritty—the restaurant and bar I've worked at for the last two and a half years. After grappling with my inner conflict for at least two minutes, I snapped back to my senses, reminded myself that the Gritty actually gives me money for the services I provide and decided that this boycott business was not for me.
I'm going to avoid getting too involved in the issue because I love my job and I love writing this column so I'm trying to stay out of the issue and just go with the flow. However, I'm concerned that the flow might be disrupted if this boycott is at all effective (which, after a long weekend of busy bartending, I'm unsure if it is or isn't) and I'm rendered unable to pay my rent, cable and electric bills and curly hair maintenance costs.
So what is a girl—with few to no marketable skills and a zero tolerance policy for manual labor or any work that could risk breaking a nail—to do?
Sunday morning I woke up and decided to make a list of everything I was good at and of any way to benefit financially from those things. It didn't take long since the list only consisted of: being mean to small children and elderly people, shopping (but only for myself, not others), doing laundry, sleeping and eating.
Clearly, my options are limited. The most obvious moneymaker on the list is my love of laundering dirty clothes—I find it to be extremely soothing.
However between Lazybones and the 2.3 million laundromats on campus (one of which also provides tanning beds, which I find to be both amazing and sketchy at the same time), I think the market is already over-saturated, and I'm trying to make money without effort. Marketing and advertising my own personal laundry services require time and spending money, which are out of the question.
Next: Shopping. I suppose I could look into being a personal shopper at the Macy's in Hilldale but I'm not sure that my history or journalism degrees are going to do much for my resume while seeking a job in fashion or retail. Also, like I previously mentioned, I don't like shopping for other people. It makes me jealous and I end up trying to sabotage others by encouraging them to buy ugly, ill-fitting clothes.
With laundry and shopping scratched off my list, all I had left were my inclination toward cruelty, eating and sleeping. I'm smart enough to know that no one would pay me to walk around kicking babies and grandmas and I've already applied for several secret shopper jobs with no positive results. My sleeping skills are my last hope for financial stability in the face of this boycott.
My friend Jesse's girlfriend just recently completed a sleep study somewhere off campus and received some serious cash. As far as I understand, all she had to do was pass out in a hospital bed and let someone watch her all night. Creepy but totally manageable. Trying to find such a sleep study is not easy though, since most don't want insomniacs that only sleep three to four hours a night, but I'm still optimistic.
Until then, however, I'm going to hold out hope that students' commitment to advocacy and interest in local and campus issues is only outweighed by their love of one dollar drinks and my smiling face on the other side of the bar.
E-mail Jillian at jlevy2@wisc.edu if you've got an opinion about the Gritty boycott that isn't self-righteous and boring or if you know of any high-paying sleep studies.
