Has your life gotten so pathetic that the only bright spot to your day was looking down into the toilet and realizing you just shit in the shape of the first letter of your name? Is your existence so sad that you spend one day out of the week writing a Page 2 column about how your ex-girlfriend is a two-timing whore? These problems clearly aren't mine, but a close friend of mine (we'll call him Jon S. to preserve anonymity) recently expressed these concerns and said he's a bit down in the dumps. And how can't he be? The guy sounds pathetic.
Anyhoo, I've got some surefire ways to fight back against any sort of depression. Enjoy!
Sometimes the best way to feel better about your problems is to vent about them in a public forum. Here's my personal favorite venting spot: open mic night at Memorial Union. Sure, I know the vast majority of us aren't comedic geniuses, but anyone can step up to the plate during Open Mic. Not myself, but the friend of mine who was down in the dumps got up onstage, unleashed a 20-minute tirade about his ex-girlfriend Sherry, then darted off into the sunset when the crowd turned on him. No harm, no foul. Sure, he completely wasted 20 minutes of the audience's lives, but now he feels relieved enough to talk about it in my Page 2 column. I mean his Page 2 column...
Being better than other people at unimportant tasks is always a perfect way to perk someone up. I find the best place to show off your superiority is on elementary school playgrounds. Find the nearest recess period in session, take a football away from a second-grader and chuck that thing as far as it will go (preferably over the roof of the school). The kids will bask in the awe of your athletic brilliance, and you'll suddenly feel like you are unique and special in some way. If this idea fails, you could also just shove one of the kids and run. Picking on someone smaller than you is also another guaranteed way to improve self-confidence and fight depression.
Sign up for volunteer work. No, don't actually do the volunteer work, silly. Just sign up. After you've gotten your name on the docket, never return any of their calls. However, if you're talking to your friends about good things you're doing for the world, you can bring up all of the volunteer work you've signed up for. If they ask for details about what exactly you do, just run. Or just say, ""I do it for the children."" Be sure not to bring up that second-grader you shoved on the playground, though. It might give you away.
Go to a sporting event and heckle the same player for the entire game. This one may seem a bit obvious and easy, but it's surprisingly effective at making people feel better about themselves. Plus, you get the rare chance of crushing some 6'5'', 250-pound man's soul without fear of him crushing your sternum! Score! I prefer to start by making inappropriate comments about his family members, or even suggesting that the mole on his neck may be the early warning signs of melanoma. That'll get him rattled! Then I finish off the evening by throwing a small infant at said athlete right as he's about to make a big play. I love the pain of the choice: Help the team or save the baby. No matter which one he chooses, he'll be questioning his decision for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, you'll feel better that you're not that guy. You know, that guy who plays sports for a living and is a hero to many
yes""> people and is knee-deep in attractive women trying to declothe him.
If none of these methods work for you, just keep one valuable lesson in mind: At least you're not me. I mean, I just watched helplessly as my ex-girlfriend Sherry cheated on me with my roommate. And then I stood idly by as she slept with my other roommate. And then my third roommate...and then my father. And then after my parents' divorce, my stepfather slept with her... You know what, just disregard this entire column. I've lost the will to live.
Seriously, have you slept with Jon's ex-girlfriend Sherry? Don't tell him at spike@wisc.edu. It will crush him.