""Make sure that the beer—four pints a week—goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."" —Winston Churchill to his Secretary of War, 1944.
Luckily for us here in Madison, Hitler got his ass beat, and the pints are plentiful.
Alcohol has been coursing through the veins of humans for thousands of years, ever since that first lucky bastard stumbled upon mankind's favorite hydroxyl group. Whether this prominent point in human history occurred by accident or divine intervention, experts are still uncertain. One thing is certain though. Alcohol—or beer in particular—was man's best friend long before canine domestication (take that Fido), and as such should be treated with the utmost respect. If you don't have any amount of respect for the beverage, I suggest you stop reading here, as this article will not apply to ignoramuses.
Now let's be honest with ourselves; when it comes to Madison and beer consumption, the parameter of beer quantity far surpasses that of quality, much to a beer connoisseur's distaste. I am, however, a realist. It's clear that you're not going to find a keg of Samuel Adams summer ale being slammed down the throats of thirsty thrill-seekers at parties, so we'll have to focus on the cheap stuff. Most of it is piss-water, the kind of beer that you'd undoubtedly had to have had a few decent bottles of brews to even consider drinking. So what can you do to guarantee a great party experience? I will elaborate.
The first thing I do when I get to a party of relatively unknown hosts is proceed directly to the keg (it is essential that this is done PRIOR to paying your five bucks), because god knows if an issue arises it's going to be a real pain in the ass to get your cheddar back. If the keg's warm, leave the party. This is unacceptable. A cold keg is probably the most important factor in a satisfying slam session. I like to live by the mantra ""If the brew ain't chilled, I ain't getting billed"" The second thing that must be done is a label check. It's critical that you see what kind of beer you're shelling out your hard-earned money for. There are a few types of beer that even the most cheap and degenerate party hosts shouldn't think of buying. At this point you may be asking yourself ""What if I don't know my beer well enough to make my decision?"" Well, lucky for you, I have categorized the beer no-no's for you. Stay away from these, trust me. If you happen to be a huge fan of these beers, I pray for your soul.
The Unacceptables: These beers should be avoided at all costs, unless you've lost your tongue in some freak accident during life. Consumption of these beers will not only leave you feeling like a turd sandwhich, but even the most diehard alcoholics will have a hard time drinking five bucks worth in a whole night. There are terrible beers, but these few are reserved for only the desperate and uneducated.
Beer 30: This beer is unquestionably horse shit. Their slogan is ""It's always time for Beer 30."" In truth, it's never time for such beer sacrilege. Ever since my first and only experience with this beer, which runs less than 30 cents a can, I have felt dirty and violated deep inside. If you see an unopened case of this lying in the street, leave it. Even the homeless will laugh seeing you drinking a can of this disgraceful beverage.
Natural Ice: Often referred to as ""natty,"" or ""natty ice,"" this is your stereotypical moronically hosted frat-party beer. Don't be misled by its popularity or the Anheuser-Busch logo, one whiff of this beer will bring an acrid ""skunk urine"" smell to your nostrils. It's taken from the bottom of the bottom of Anheuser's beer vats, below Bud Light and even below Michelob Ultra—which is a great example of a shitty beer your mom would drink. *Please see my other works on parental influence on bad beer consumption.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: This choice I'm sure will be met with some contention; however I maintain that Pabst is undoubtedly one of the foulest beers you'll find, with an aroma of old sweat mixed with putrid malt. I saw Clint Eastwood drinking a bunch of these in the recent movie ""Gran Torino"" and almost shat my pants, then found out he was in fact only paid a shit-ton of money to fake it (thank god). So unless you're an old Korean War vet without much taste left looking to drink away your memories, please, for your sake, avoid consumption.
Want more beer advice? E-mail Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu to party. The right way.
