""Erase it! ERASE IT!"" is too common a mantra at the parties of today's young adults.
In a familiar epidemic sweeping the fraternities, sororities, dorm rooms and decrepit basements of college students nationwide, more digital photographs are being taken than ever before. Countless retinas of innocent partygoers have been burned by autoflashes going off simultaneously, but one of the most staggering facts is that 75 percent of these photographic renderings are not, in fact, of people's ""best angles.""
""I'm so confused, she didn't even ask if I was ready, she just came up behind me and the next thing I know, you can see all of my terrible acne on the display,"" says UW-Eagle River junior Andrea McJenkins, 20, victim of a recent ""pic and run"" incident that occurred last weekend. ""What the fuck?""
""What the fuck"" is right. ""Pic and run"" incidents are the main cause of devastating photos. These pictures are available to the public through any Facebook news feed in an album titled ""Summatime"" but are usually untagged within minutes of their posting. However, for those tens to hundreds of seconds, the whole world, or at least 850 of one's closest friends, can see what was never intended to be seen. Common pictorial aberrations include, but are not limited to: one to two eyes closed, hat hair, hair not voluminous enough, nose from the wrong side, presence of a ""weird linty thing"" on one's clothing, gang signs at half staff, looking like a fat pig and ""Peen-Face.""
According to Dr. Michael Farken of California's Santa Barbara Regional Psychiatric Hospital, ""Peen-Face"" is a temporary physical condition that comes to fruition upon photographing a subject without their knowledge. It has serious consequences for the reputation of the victim. Peen-Face occurs when the subject's mouth is open so far wide and in such a manner that it appears that a ""peen"" has either just been inside the cavity or is about to penetrate it. As the number of pic and run incidents increases, the number of Peen-Face cases increase s proportionally. Victims are typically in the background of the photograph talking, eating or playing beer pong. Lewd comments almost always follow the posting of pictures that contain this ailment.
Texas A&M freshman Sam D., 18, was shocked to find that moments after his buddy tagged a picture of him at a house party in which he had moderate Peen-Face, seven comments from three friends were posted accusing Sam of homosexuality.
""My friends now think I'm gay. I was on the phone when [the picture] was taken... with my girlfriend."" Adds Sam, ""Peen-Face has ruined my relationship and my life.""
It is clear that even a ""1-2-3"" countdown could have saved this full-time student from social disaster. What one can do to assure that their best face is captured is limited. Perpetrators of such atrocities must be aware that their freelance and carefree photography can have mortifying repercussions. In order to ensure the quality of the snapshot, one must decide beforehand what the theme will be. This gives other subjects more time to prepare and therefore produces a more attractive and/or silly result. One must also alert surrounding partygoers of the impending picture. This can be as simple as screeching, ""Picture!"" or gathering in a clump of six friends and one unsure acquaintance at least five seconds prior.
To prevent victimization, one must keep their eyes open for roaming cameras and cell phones. If caught in a pic and run incident, the only thing one can do is quickly cover their face and duck, if time allows.
Rest assured, following these guidelines, one should never have to face the embarrassment of encountering an unflattering picture of oneself again. So chin up, angle down, give it up to the West Side and pucker up those lips as if you're giving the world a tiny, tiny kiss.
Send photographs of your best angles to VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
