There is an invisible menace on the doorstep of the UW-Madison campus, one that will undoubtedly harm you quicker than a bath with a couple of high-voltage toasters. I am speaking of course about H1N1, or as my medically challenged brethren and I call it, the swine flu. Incredibly, I happened to attend a lecture last week and was formally warned by my professor of the peril that lies ahead for students here in Madison. I've always been a sickly bastard (my grade school nurse and I frequently enjoyed lunch together), so naturally my timid immune system and I were upset by this news. After scrubbing down my hands on account of a day of doorknob onslaught, I decided it would be prudent to seek the infinite wisdom of the Internet for ways to avoid becoming just another statistic.
After a few solid hours of hardcore Googling, I felt confident that I was ready to do battle with this modern-day black plague, and in my good-natured way, will pass on this wisdom to the some 13 or 14 projected readers who will make it this far into my column. So without further ado, I give the keys to surviving the swine flu, in my Official Swine Flu Survival Guide... (patent pending).
1. Restrict Breathing:
This one may seem a bit outlandish at first, but every source I checked assured me that most cases of swine flu will be inhaled through the lungs. At the very least, abstain from open-air breathing when other students are within sight around campus. Exercising should be avoided altogether as it goes hand-in-hand with heavy breathing.
2. Cover Coughs:
Everyone knows that when a person coughs it's a tell-tale sign they've caught some sort of shit, so it's only logical to keep it out of the air you're breathing. If some asshole in chemistry class is revving up for a hack session, place your hand in front of his or her mouth to prevent the spread of an infectious viral disease. If the cougher becomes frustrated, just let them know you're performing a civic duty. That'll shut 'em up.
3. Party With Precaution:
I don't go to many parties, but I've heard they're mostly a cesspool of disease. I went to one party this year (some jackass told me it was a Halo party), and multiple people were sharing cups fashioned on a table in a triangular way! Like I said earlier, I'm very good-natured, so I figured I'd do the right thing and sterilize the cups for the party-goers in the form of rubbing my trusty Purell on the rims of the cups. It says right on the bottle it kills 99.9 percent of bacteria so I don't understand why people became upset. They all started chanting ""asshole"" at me and I got real nervous so I left, but I know they'll realize the good I did and encourage you to do the same in the future.
4. Avoid the Following
Doorknobs, public restrooms, hospitals (yech), old people, gathering in groups of more than four or five, bacon, large amounts of livestock, Asia, handshaking/high-fiving, wide-open spaces, sharing pencils, ham, the homeless, farmers, dorms (remember the norovirus?), PETA members, used syringes, the agriculture building, pork, etc.
You've now got the skills you need to make it through the year with your young lives. I certainly hope I can say the same for myself. I will admit I broke one of my own rules when I ventured to a hospital to swipe a 400-pack of surgical masks, and in fact am wearing one right now at College Library. People may be giving me frightened looks, but I assure you I will have the last laugh. These are undoubtedly the same people who don't swab their keyboards down with Lysol before every use. If you're reading this you've already overcome the onslaught of SARS and the avian flu, hopefully we all fare just as well with its ""hog"" of an older brother.
Make sure to keep checking the news on the whereabouts of swine flu this year, keeping in mind everything they say has to be true. If you're feeling a bit under the weather this winter, it's probably too late and I recommend consulting with next of kin or good friends about your assets. Cheers!
Want to borrow some surgical masks? Contact Andrew at aplahr@gmail.com.
