The thought occurred to me so quickly, that I pounced on my cell and dialed my mom before it had a chance to escape my head.
Mom!"" I said when she answered.
""Hi sweetie, how are you?""
""I need to ask you something."" I said, pausing for a moment, allowing my mom to prepare herself for what was coming.
""Would you rather only be permitted to speak in the presence of an eggplant, or be the only person not immune to an electric fence scattered around random places across the world, and if you cross it you grow appendages all over your body in the shapes of your family members,"" I asked.
""Did you think of that all by yourself?"" she exclaimed as if I were a kindergartner who had just solved long division.
I told her I had, and she told me she was so proud.
Every family has their quirks, and outrageous hypothetical questions were ours. These dilemmas, which emanated from a book my mom bought, became our favorite pastime.
For most people, public discussions of orgasms, urethral discharge and Cleveland steamers would probably elicit irreconcilable embarrassment. Yet for me, such situations are commonplace. While this openness is something I've embraced, my no-boundary policy deluded me into believing the entire world abided by such laws. I was very wrong.
""Would you rather your head spin 180 degrees every 10 minutes, or have a contagious menstrual cycle?"" I asked my high school history teacher while clarifying my grade after class. The discussion had gone from academic to casual - I thought we were bonding.
It turned out that between a mobile head and an overly friendly period, my history teacher chose lowering my paper from a ""B"" to a ""C a therapist ASAP.""
I also learned that although my first boyfriend's mother would trade her baby toe for a flaccid penis before her ear turned into a butterfly that eternally fluttered in circles around her head, I was never to say grace in their house again.
While some people appreciate this ironic humor, others just don't seem to get it. I've discovered the ones that don't find the questions funny are also the people who answer them.
I'm not entirely sure for the rationale behind that fact, but I would speculate it has something to do with human nature's desperation to avoid an awkward silence, even if it means confessing to secretly wanting to be gang-banged by an elf.
What it comes down to is that my family's peculiarities have equipped me with a power most people can't even recognize: to be at ease while everyone else is awkward. Although this isn't the kind of power that can make the world a better place, it can make my world a better place by allowing me to feel relaxed instead of inferior.
In any case, I'd rather come to terms with awkward silences than have a blue octopus steal my lunch money and make me slow dance to ""Beat It.""
If you'd prefer the blue octopus, e-mail Kiera at ""wiatrak@wisc.edu."":mailto:wiatrak@wisc.edu
