San Miguel should be something special, or at least unique. All the signs are there: the fancy bottle, the crest, the fact that it's brewed in the Philippines, to name a few. But this beer is stolidly uninspiring.
The corny malt taste and heavy carbonation make the brew more likely to have come from Greece, the country that invented the Trojan horse.
On the up side, San Miguel packs slightly more of an alcoholic punch than any existent macro. However, the price definitely precludes it from binge consumption.
This beer gets three bottles because it's technically better than, say, Jamaica Stout, but we hate this beer more. Where Jamaica Stout ambitiously tried to make its beer taste like soy sauce, this beer settles for sugary mediocrity. Thumbs down.
ACT I, in which Joe decides to cook dinner...
Joe, who is naked—save for a pair of sweat pants, closely watches over a pan of sizzling vegetable oil. He holds an open bag of Tyson Frozen Chicken Tenders in one hand and lifts the cover off the pan with the other. Just as he begins to add the chicken to the hot grease, his roommate Sam enters stage right.
Sam: I think what you're doing right now is actually one of Jeff Foxworthy's ""You might be redneck if..."" jokes.
Joe: What do you mean?
As the conversation continues, Joe adds more and more tenders to the pan. With each new addition, the grease spits out at Joe, who reacts by screaming in a very unmanly voice.
Sam: Why don't you just put them in the oven?
Joe: I haven't got time for that, it takes 10 minutes to cook these. Plus, I'd have to preheat the oven.
Sam: So you're looking at what, like a 15-minute commitment here?
Joe: It only takes two minutes to deep-fry them.
Sam: Well, can I have some?
Joe: Only if you take your shirt off. [End scene]
ACT II, in which all goes wrong...
Joe and Sam enjoy their chicken tenders. Neither wears a shirt. A third roommate, Dibya, now joins them in the kitchen. He puts a pot of chai tea on the stove, as is customary in his homeland of Nepal. The pan of grease sits on the stovetop.
Joe: It would really be a shame if we had to throw out all that perfectly good grease.
Dibya: There are some potatoes in the freezer.
Joe opens the freezer. He pushes aside a box of Jimmy Dean's Pancake-Wrapped Sausage on a stick, to reveal a bag of tater tots. He removes them from the freezer and begins adding them to grease. As he does so, Sam and Dibya begin to read Entertainment Weekly.
Dibya: I just found out that the band with the three exclamation points for a name is actually called Chick-Chick-Chick.
Sam: EW gave their new album a B.
Joe: You guys ever heard them?
Both shake their heads so Joe goes offstage to turn on music, leaving the sizzling tots unattended. Smoke begins to rise from the stove. As if encouraged by its stovetop neighbor, Dibya's Chai—also unattended—boils over its pot and hits the burner. Soon the entire apartment is enveloped in smoke, which trips the fire alarm. From Joe's room offstage, !!!'s ""When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Krazee"" plays loudly.
Sam: Ah, guys, I think you're burning down the house.
Joe: Sweet Jesus, somebody save the tots! [End scene]
ACT III, in which nobody learns their lesson...
All three roommates sit topless. Dibya, who removed his shirt so he could use it to fan smoke away from the detectors, drinks a mug of Chai tea. Joe dips hardly recognizable tater tots into ketchup. Somewhat unsatisfied with the meal Joe has produced, Sam starts cooking his own dinner on the George Foreman grill. A cloud of burnt-Chai and grease smoke still hangs over them.
Sam: Is it just me, or does it smells terrible in here?
Joe: Yeah, like McDonald's and Starbucks had a baby and that baby just pooped its pants.
Sam: Now how do you think Subway gets the cheese on the outside of the bread?
Dibya: Would anyone like some more chai?
Joe: Not me, I'm taking a shower.
As Joe exits to the bathroom, Sam places a sandwich on the grill and Dibya puts another pot on the stove. Then both exit the stage, leaving their food items unattended again. After a minute or so, Sam's sandwich is burning and Dibya's pot boils out onto the stove. The smoke alarm shrieks once more. [End scene]
E-mail Joe with kitchen disaster stories at joephas@gmail.com.
