I'd like to take this moment to address a very serious topic. It's an issue that impacts our daily lives and even threatens the wellbeing of our friends, loved ones and the kid sitting next to us in lecture. I am, of course, talking about Premature Shorts Syndrome.
Premature Shorts Syndrome, or just ""PSS,"" comes in many shapes and forms, the most common being the unadvisable wearing of shorts (or capri pants) with the coming of the first over 35-degree day. As the temperature rises, the sun shines and the ice melts. For a brief moment, it seems like spring is finally here. But like confused bears that come out of hibernation too early, a handful of misguided men step into the crisp February air with shins showing.
And this is no victimless crime. Everyone suffers when those first pasty legs appear, just as they did here in Madison earlier this week. As 37 degrees isn't generally accepted as shorts weather, those who suffer from PSS make themselves susceptible to both illness and insult. What's worse, the rest of us have to look at their legs.
Some of you might scoff at the notion and say I'm exaggerating the graveness of this situation, but I assure you, this threat is very real. If you ask me, it's scarier than the threat of Communists, vampires or AIDS—even Communist vampires with AIDS. I can protect myself from these hazards and take preventative measures to avoid them. But short of chainsawing off the legs of those who perpetrate PSS, there's really no way of stopping it.
Generally, I would never endorse the wholesale chainsawing of any portion of the population, but honestly I don't know what else we can do. Too much exposure to winter-whitened man legs can cause serious harm. Imagine what secondhand smoke does to your lungs. That's what PSS does to your eyes. And God forbid you should accidentally touch one of these prematurely un-pantsed calves.
As if the perils of exposed man legs weren't enough, we also must guard ourselves against the equally frightening malady that is Unseasonable Sandal Exposure, which often accompanies Premature Shorts Syndrome and really just makes life for the rest of us exponentially worse.
Don't mistake me here. I'm not opposed to all sandal usage. There's nothing wrong with a well-tanned set of feet in a pair of flip-flops in July. But in February, there are no well-tanned feet. February feet are shiny white, often battered from months of being shoehorned into sweaty wool socks and soggy winter shoes. Nobody wants to look at that—not even your grandmother.
At this point, I'd like to address the issue of skin pigment. None of what I'm saying applies to people of color. My roommate Dibya has beautifully brown Nepali feet. I have no quarrel with his sherpa toes, which he exposes to the elements almost year round. While Dibs gets a free pass, those with white skin do not.
The 10-day forecast shows a steady drop in temperature from these heady heights we've enjoyed this week back to some more seasonal weather. We can only hope the number of exposed legs follows a similar trend. In the case it doesn't, I'll start looking for some chainsaws.
