My fellow students: We are plagued by those in our midst who refuse to adhere to the rules. Their actions are in direct violation of the common good, though sadly they can not be arrested. I speak of the specific set of rules that can and should be applied to sitting in the cramped quarters of lecture halls.
To begin, I think most students are believers in the one-seat buffer zone. Elbow and leg room are undoubtedly the most sought after class-time commodities. There's nothing worse than losing that room to someone who doesn't understand the buffer zone. If there are enough seats, there's no reason to reduce my personal area to the size of a television.
To solve this matter, I advocate the ""Oddsies Rule."" This rule states that on each side of a lecture hall row, the first person to arrive sits in the furthest odd numbered chair from the aisle. Every other odd numbered seat is subsequently filled and everyone is happy. Coincidentally, the same ""Oddsies Rule"" can be applied to the urinals in men's bathrooms, a place where a buffer zone can make the difference between success and a George Michael video.
I understand that sometimes, due to classroom size, this buffer zone may not be attainable. In these cases, we must all agree not to claim ownership of both armrests. The armrest on your right side is enough to take notes—no need to take my elbow room to your left.
Some people even go to the trouble of writing with their left hand just to get the extra arm space! Can you believe that?
By far the most common violator is the Aisle Sitter. This person invariably shows up to class a half hour early and chooses to sit in the aisle seat. While I understand that the aisle seat has some favorable characteristics, aisle sitters must understand that they will be having at least four people crawling over them to offset their selfishness. Hence, they are not allowed to give an annoyed sigh as they grudgingly stand up.
Another violator is Unnecessary Noise Maker. Cell phone ringing and pen tapping, UNM sniffles and coughs their way through lecture. Freed from the constraints of their own decibel level, they love eating food with the loudest wrappers and turning the newspaper page as awkwardly as possible. Often they will augment their constant need for activity with a feigned concern for others. In this case, they will often attempt to muffle their noises by text messaging or by moving slowly, thus taking longer and making more noise.
Let's not forget about Cuddly Couple. They love each other so much that they need to show it to the world by sitting in the front and flirting with each other the entire class. Am I learning or watching the boring part of a porno?
Last is the pesky, yet tolerable Out of Control Hair Girl. Typically choosing to sit directly in the seat in front of you, OOCHG makes a mockery of your desk space. Hair soon covers your notebook, leaving you with the only one option: Cut off her hair with the scissors you keep for this occasion.
If these violators are unable to conform to this lecture hall code of conduct, the rest of us may be forced to pretend we are all left-handed for a day, so say goodbye o your elbow room.
