The autumn leaves on the ground—or should I say autumn leaves sprinkled with snow (what the heck was that last Thursday?)—remind me that something huge is coming up. Stripperfest—I mean Halloween! In the words of Lindsay Lohan in ""Mean Girls,"" ""Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."" As expected, Madison is no different.
Last year, on the other hand, every guy comically dressed as Ron Burgundy, Ali G or Napoleon Dynamite received a hearty laugh and high-five from his fellow Halloweeners. And I was jealous, very jealous. I wanted to receive those sincere acts of encouragement and approval for wearing something other than fishnets, pleather or a push-up bra. Something that made people say, ""Wow, that Shiplett is really special!""
It's not that I don't want to look appealing, I just want to maintain a bit of originality and leave something to the imagination as well. So as I've been brainstorming for this year's costume, I've come up a with a few guidelines to keep in mind, and if you share my desire for this kind of appreciation come Halloween weekend, please follow along.
Tip No. 1: Expose skin in an unconventional manner—meaning not just through the predictably short dress, low-cut neckline or belly shirt. Try to mix it up by shedding some glorifying light on an unusual part of the body. Some people are into feet, so fuel their fetish by embodying a hobbit from the Shire. If you're more of a party animal, show them off as Pippin or Merry. If you want to be the noble hero of the night, Frodo Baggins is best. (Note: if you are to be a hobbit, it is absolutely necessary to make your feet as hairy as possible. Superglue hamsters to them if you have to because hairiness is key).
Tip No. 2: Incorporate text or symbols into your costume that would further emphasize your alluring brilliance. For example, imagine being the Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is already cool but let's get creative here. As Quasimodo, one could have ""I'm bringing"" on his front and ""sexy back"" on their, well you know, back. Or better yet, it could read, ""Tryin' a feel my hump, hump. Lookin' at my lump, lump. U can look but you can't touch it..."" I think you know the rest. But you see, adding a few little words now makes you desirable and untouchable.
Tip No. 3: This should only be attempted by those completely comfortable with drunk people hitting on them when they really shouldn't be. This is because I'm suggesting to be someone so undesirable that if an inappropriate thought pops into your head about them, you immediately feel the need to take a shower. This includes middle school janitors, your first Sunday school teacher, your aunt's ex-husband Roger with the silver mullet and anyone else who fits the criteria. And where does the desirability come from here? Yourself, of course; let your pores exude your inner beauty from under that church dress or Uncle Roger's acid-washed jeans. Throughout the night, someone will approach you and say, ""Hey have we met? Your remind me of someone that I'm strangely drawn to."" I have faith.
But again, that's cool if you just decide to be a ""Dirty [insert any profession in the world.]"" I'm not judging. Same for you boys, if that ""Slutty Secretary"" costume is calling your name, you be the best damn secretary you can be.
