This weekend, thousands will come to Madison for the riots, but they'll stay for the ectoplasmic-based demons from Hell that will inhabit their bodies and force them into slavitude before the spirits abandon the cold, rotting corpses outside of Qdoba, 548 State St.
Yes, that's right, UW-Madison is haunted. And from what movies have taught me, Halloween is a pagan holiday, where spirits like Jason Vorhees, Freddy Krueger, Leprechaun, Pat Robertson, Pinhead and Captain Planet come forth and dine upon the souls of sex-having, riot-spewing, no-goodniks.
Sure, Science Hall used to be a morgue and feet are still randomly found there, and the Internet said the designer of Humanities committed suicide rather than face decades of scornful undergrads who are always pissed off that the building layout makes no sense. It goes without saying that the Comp Lit. department feasts upon the souls of virgins to survive indefinitely.
This is great, because I'm all for demonic possession. But there are actually too few haunted dwellings on campus.
Three hauntings is a good start, but I demand more! I want goblins, ghouls and evil spirits. Though it might be hard to swing, I wouldn't mind seeing a Loch Ness Monster floating around Mendota. I'd even settle for a thoroughly annoyed Brontosaurus in Vilas Hall.
From my research, I found out that the most effective way to create a haunting is to murder someone. What's key is it needs to be a tragic death. Drive-by shootings don't create ghosts, and neither do hits to the crotch. They're funny, yes, but the true way to create tragedy is through unrequited love.
Now, I'm not advocating murder here, but Halloween is the best time to start new haunting traditions.
Since all of the police officers in Madison will be on State Street, maintaining a comfortable seven-to-one officer-to-reveler ratio, Saturday would be the perfect time to strike.
The easiest way to create tragedy is to break up a couple and murder one. For example, if you happen to see a pair wearing one of the plug-and-socket costumes, pull one aside and end him. Bonus points will be awarded if you use some electrical means of destruction. And if you see a Luigi minus his Mario, death by turtle shell is required.
Another way to create tragedy is through inventive deaths. It's become clichAc to murder someone with a gun or a chainsaw. Think outside the box!
Since you know about 85 percent of girls will dress up as a ""sexy"" cat, why not set up an oversize Mouse Trap set, designed to bring them to their doom. As Alanis Morrisette might say, ""Well isn't it ironic when a person dressed as a cat succumbs to the fate that's normally associated with plastic representations of one of its creatures of prey.""
Most of all, make sure that any killings happen within a dwelling of some sort, because everybody knows that ghosts don't haunt streets, they only haunt buildings. Luckily, downtown has numerous facilities for this to occur.
Remember, this Halloween, go out, get drunk and have some fun. But don't riot. Riots bring nothing but costs to the city, whereas murders are the gifts that keep on giving. So feel free to murder to your heart's content.
