The news hit Madison and hit it hard.
The Princeton Review, in all of its ""wisdom"" demoted Wisconsin from the No. 1 party school to a measly fourth place, a freefall of roughly 300 percent.
What brought us down is a lack of inspiration in our party themes. Most parties boil down to ""There's alcohol in this cup, drink it!""
And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, I love a good theme of ""Drink Cup"" as well, but we can do more.
To skyrocket Wisconsin back to its rightful party spot and prove those Princeton Reviewians wrong, the concept of party must be taken to its avant-garde extremes.
Here are a couple of my party ideas:
Eighth Grade Makeout Party
I've actually heard of people doing this one, and it does have its merits. It's a gathering where people come together and play spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven.
But unlike actual eighth graders, the games are actually played.
At these types of parties, if less than 100 orally transmitted diseases infect people, it should be considered a complete failure.
Also, it is best to keep actual eighth graders out of these parties, because aside from being kinda freaky, it's also illegal.
Hunt Man for Sport Party
Ever been at a party and some jerk cut in line at the keg? Well, with the Hunt Man for Sport Party, you can solve your problem by pulling out a shotgun and opening fire. And you won't look like a crazed lunatic, because everyone is doing it!
There might be some objections to this party, and I'll quell fears right now. I know people are going to point out that if man is hunted for sport, it lowers our student population, and we might lose points with the Princeton Review because of that.
This party doesn't so much enhance the party reputation, but it does let the Review know that we have guns and are not afraid to use them.
Russian Roulette Party
What do Communists love better than Vodka? Killing themselves. This is where the Russian Roulette Party comes into play.
Simply take six shot glasses that look the same and pour five vodka shots and one Everclear shot. Mix them up and have a group of six people randomly take the shots.
Most of the time the group members will be fine, but for roughly 16.666666 percent of the group, the response will be classic as they clutch their throats and utter just about every profanity in existence while creating several new ones (""Ruskey Flurkbots"" being one of the better ones).
Hot Naked People Clip Their Toenails While Drinking Mai-Tais Out of the Skulls of Their Enemies Party
I think of all my suggestions this one should be the easiest to pull off. Taken as a whole, it does look intimidating, but just break it down to its constituent parts, and it's very doable.
Do people like hot people? Of course, especially when they're naked.
How about long toenails? People hate them.
Mai-Tais are Tahitian for ""Good very."" So there's no doubt of love there.
And if you're drinking out of the skull of your enemy, this most likely means they're dead, or in a lot of pain, and I'll definitely drink to that.
