I fear for my life.
Every step I take, I must look over my shoulder to make certain my potential assasins are not following me. What could cause this fear? Simply that a rogue, black-ops government agency has declared war on me, and will not rest until I'm either dead or merely crazy.
This agency is not the Men in Black, SD-6, of the FBI. It's not one of those Hollywood-made-up agencies, but an actual federally-funded group. I, of course, refer to the U.S. Postal Service.
Through rain, sleet and snow, USPS focuses on my destruction. Its hatred manifests itself in the oddest of ways. For example, a couple weeks ago I had a simple mission objective for the day'buy a stamp so I could mail my electric bill'a relatively simple goal. But the USPS would have none of it.
The stamp-dispensing machine would have none of it. I put in my two quarters; it took one of them, but outright refused the other. After 20 attempts at this simple task, I left stampless, bill-paidless and worst of all, quarterless.
Taken on its own, this skirmish with the USPS might seem insignificant, but when combined with what happened later on, the true evil nature of that governmental organization came to the forefront of my consciousness.
I sold one of my textbooks, 'Broadcasting in America,' over the Internet. As a result of this sale, I needed to ship the book down to Texas to some guy named Jason. I packaged that sucker up and sent it off, thinking very little of it.
Then a couple of days ago, I received a message from Jason telling me I had sent him the wrong thing. Instead of sending 'History of Broadcasting,' I sent 'The Blue Sea,' a three-DVD documentary box set. Sure, I had sent off several packages that day, and it's very possible I could have mixed up the shipping labels, which would explain the whole ordeal. There's only one problem'never in my life have I heard of the DVD series 'The Blue Sea.'
Rather cockily I replied to Jason with that information, and I told him his package would get there in a couple days. He replied by describing the package it came in'a 10x10x10 box with the addresses written on it in green marker. The return address on the box listed my address.
Things were getting weird. In order for this to happen, someone took my box, ripped it open, pulled out the textbook, replaced it with a DVD set, repackaged it and let it continue on its journey to Texas. All this occurred after I had dropped off the package. Obviously, someone at the post office has some vendetta against me.
Now I'm scared. I don't know what they're going to do next in their campaign of attacks against me. I guess there's always the possibility of anthrax, but that is so clich?? now! I'm actually foreseeing the final attack come one day when I open up my mail box and then WHAM! a strategically-placed anaconda jumps out and crushes me to death. I believe that's how they got Hoffa too.
I don't know why they've declared this jihad upon me, since I have nothing but fear and respect for the USPS as an organization. What I do know is this'you should never, ever mess with the postal service.
