Last week, Gov. Jim Doyle quietly unleashed the state of Wisconsin's newest beast of a tourism slogan, \Wisconsin-Life's So Good,"" along with a $3.8 million increase to the state's tourism budget. Why this hasn't been the subject of an opening monologue on Letterman, Conan or the Daily Show is beyond me, but I hope the advertising wizard who came up with this one has tendered his or her resignation.
Wisconsin's previous tourism slogan, ""Stay Just A Little Bit Longer,"" wasn't on the same level as ""Beef: It's what's for dinner"" or ""Got Milk?,"" but was certainly much more tolerable than ""Life's So Good"" (which I heard was originally accepted, then rejected in favor of ""I'm lovin' it"" by McDonald's, when they decided to give up on running a profitable megacorporation).
The major flaw with ""Life's So Good"" is that it is incredibly vague as a motto for tourism-especially when the ""Wisconsin"" is dropped. Doyle says the targets of the new tourism initiative are residents of nearby states-Illinois, Minnesota, Iowa and Michigan-who, apparently, hate their lives. Is Wisconsin's new tourism maxim supposed to entice out-of-staters to visit our territory, or is it to remind them that their lives are good, and that spending time in Wisconsin is both a waste of time and money? Way to go, Jimbo.
Never to be outdone by the governor, the Peter N. Long department of tourism has also released a new tourism slogan-""I Need This.""
Recently, things have been going fine for me, but for whatever reason (not that this is a bad thing), I've been much more thankful for any type of good fortune that comes my way. The problem, however, is that this good fortune has been at the expense of someone else's misfortune.
Poker hasn't gone really well for me since 2005 rolled around; I win here and there, but major victory has yet to be dealt. Unfortunately, every time I do win a hand, I feel guilty about it. That's where the new tourism slogan comes in handy. If I beat a guy on the river (he's got me beat until the last card is dealt, for the uninitiated), I'll whip out ""I Need This,"" shrug my shoulders and rake in his chips. He and I know it's a cheap win, but the slogan allows me to communicate my feelings of guilt to him while making him feel bad about getting angry at me.
A better example of the power of the ""I Need This"" comes in the form of a hypothetical situation. You're standing in the back of the bar with your suave and sexy buddy who is no stranger to success with the opposite gender. You're both admiring the better qualities of the most attractive gal in the whole place when she stands up and heads in your direction. Just as you ready your awkward wingman greeting, she fakes out your friend and introduces herself to you. As you and your new object of desire start to hit it off, you quickly turn to your dejected Don Juan buddy and whisper, ""I Need This."" He understands his new role and begrudgingly begins to make small talk with her annoying friend.
The power of ""I Need This"" in smoothing over sticky situations and justifying your good fortune is inestimable. Whether rationalizing your A on the last Econ test to your lazy classmates, or defending your $20 scratch-and-win victory at the gas station, ""I Need This"" is your ticket to personal absolution from guilty thought.
I really hope you enjoyed this week's column.
I Need This.
If you need to reach Peter, e-mail him at writePNL@yahoo.com.
