Just like that, summer is over. My last year at UW begins. Jesus, I am not ready for this.
Seems like yesterday I got done studying for last spring's exams. Like waking up in a strange apartment after a three-month whiskey blackout, I pick myself up, and it's time to start classes again.
In the last three years, I have spent almost all my time-school and summer time-in Madison. So I consider myself something of an expert on the UW-Madison experience. Let me offer some advice on a few important beginning-of-the-year items.
Those of you in the dorms, look at your roommate. Right now, glance over at your roommate busily unpacking, sleeping or using the lightning-fast Internet connection to look at naked people touching each other. Now say \I love and respect you."" C'mon, trust me, say it, even if you barely know the person.
Say it now, because in a few months, most of you will be saying ""I hate your donkey-smelling ass. Now give me the remote so I can watch 'Mr. Belvedere.' Asshole.""
For those who have just moved into new apartments or houses, here's a simple guideline: either unpack or throw away your possessions.
I moved three days ago, and I am quickly discovering all the useless garbage I own. It is all stuff I should have thrown away years ago. It is keeping me from being able to find the stuff I really need and want.
If you do not bite the bullet and throw it away, all your cool stuff-your lucky bamboo chute, your beer bong with the extra wide hose and water-tight shut-off valve and that sweet Dave Matthews Band collage your ex made you for your birthday-will be hard or impossible to find in a few days.
And we will all be barely moved when it is time to go to class again. Along with the start of classes comes that most dreaded collegiate tradition-the first discussion.
Without fail, your TA will demand that you introduce yourself to the rest of the class. You will be forced to give your name, major, an explanation of why you are taking the class and that cryptic and inevitable ""something about yourself.""
A pointer-be brief with your name. It will make you sound like a pretentious ass if you don't. Nobody wants to converse with anyone who routinely gives a middle initial or attaches a numeral to his or her name. Instead of James D. Pennyfeather III, just be ""Jim.""
And when asked why you are taking a class, refrain from digging into personal history for an explanation.
I once took a class on race and ethnicity which, not surprisingly, was mostly white.
Several of my classmates, upon being asked why they took the class, gave responses that went something like ""Well, I'm from up north-actually northwest. Anyway, I never knew any black people until my cousin Angie married a black guy. He's really nice. So I took this class because I want to know more about black guys.""
I think those are all the tips I've got to give. Uh-oh, wait-I feel a bonus freshman advice lightning round coming on.
Wear shower shoes. Don't drink Everclear. Don't eat the hot wings in the cafeteria. Don't trust landlords. Use a condom. Eat your vegetables. Develop political beliefs. Vote. Don't sit in the first row. Don't declare a major freshman year. Don't go home every weekend.
Oh yeah, and read The Daily Cardinal.
dlhinkel@wisc.edu.
