Kids these days just don't know anything. I base this statement solely on the one thing that should always unite a generation of children all across America: cartoons. And not cable cartoons, network cartoons. Children can grow up in different environments, with different circumstances, but they all watch the same cartoons. There is no good reason a child should get up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday except to sit down on the couch and vegetate for five straight hours.
And you might ask \What about Pokemon and Digimon?"" And I will promptly reply, ""Screw Pokemon and Digimon and their epileptic seizure-causing asses!"" That's the reason our society has gone down the crapper. If I was raised on Japanese cartoons where children throw animals at each other, I would snap too. School violence, teen prostitution and Avril Lavigne are all signs that the youth of America are unguided souls. I pity children these days. For they are forced to choke down this bile that the networks pass as ""quality"" cartoons because they're in 3-D. They don't know about how scary a Decepticon can really be in two dimensions!
They need to grow up in a time of He-Man, She-Ra and Man of Arms! A time where Sergeant Slaughter fought the evil forces of Cobralalalalalalalalalala! Of an Optimus Prime in 2-D! Of a time when Scrooge McDuck used his ability to swim through metallic coins and wiles to outwit Flinthart Glomgold.
We all had the same experiences in the cartoon generation. We grew up on ""My Little Pony,"" ""G.I. Joe,"" ""Tranformers (Robots in Disguise),"" ""Thundercats,"" ""He-Man"" and ""She-Ra"" when we were toddlers until nine. We learned how not to set fires when the parents are gone and how to stop, drop and roll when we did thanks to random G.I.'s showing and enlightening impetuous youth. We all knew, and knowing was half the battle! We all woke up in the morning for ""Garfield,"" ""C.O.W.boys of Moo Mesa,"" ""Alvin and the Chipmunks,"" ""Spider-Man"" and ""X-Men.""
Then, the ""Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"" came along and we watched with a quiet admiration as Baxter Stockman, Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady were thwarted by the pizza-eating reptiles and their rodent master, with the occasional help from April O'Neill. And we didn't question how the Technodrome got from the bottom of the ocean to the north pole. If I asked a kid what a Technodrome was, they would probably tell me it's a new nightclub in downtown Madison. And that makes me weep.
And who could forget Disney and all its wisdom? They single-handedly arranged the Golden Age of Cartoonery. The Gummi Bears and their steroid-type powerdrink. ""Rescue Rangers"" and that love triangle between Chip, Dale and Gadget. ""Talespin"" with that cool airboard which Kit used to skysurf. ""Ducktales"" and Gizmo Duck. Darkwing Duck versus a genetically altered duck-plant. It was all good until Bonkers killed the dynasty.
And as I grow older I look back fondly upon my childhood, and I wonder if the kids are getting the same experience. How could ""Batman Beyond"" defeat the original? How could unnecessarily dramatic ""Dragonball Z"" take on the Turtles? How could these two-bit villains terrorize like Shredder or CobraKhan or Skeletor?
I don't know, maybe they are getting the love of cartoons. I just don't feel it. Now more than ever, we need heroes, and they shouldn't be 11-year-old children with disturbing mouths throwing things like Garudamon.
They should say, ""BLATHERING BLATERSKITES!!!!!""
