How was your summer?\ These four words make me cringe every time I face this question.
Personally, it's like when a girlfriend springs the first ""I love you"" on her boyfriend, and then there's a long, awful pause. If he waits too long, she thinks he doesn't mean it, and if he says it without feeling, he'll be out faster than a Brewers lineup. It's in the pantheon of awkward questions such as ""Do these pants make me look fat?"" or ""Did you sleep with my kid sister again, Mike?""
Well, anyway, I've been asked ""How was your summer?"" at a rate of 6.8 times per hour. And I'm stuck there with two problems.
First off, what if you say the wrong thing?
This summer, my mother suffered a near-heart attack, my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, I went to a Weezer concert, to the Anheuser-Busch plant in St. Louis and was kicked off a go-kart racing track for ""maliciously attempting to harm other drivers."" I also worked the worst job in my life, when I decided to work as a house painter for the most clueless person I have ever met.
So what do I tell them? If I said I had a fantastic summer, then I'd have to tell them about the concert, the road trip and the birth. But if I told them that the summer sucked, then I not only have to rehash my memories of rushing to the hospital to see my mother, but now they feel like jerks for asking the stupid question.
Secondly, that is one of those questions which requires reciprocation. And now I have to enter another quagmire of listening to some inane rant about their summer, like I am right now. Then you have to prepare yourself for what they say:
Me: ""So, how was your summer, Bob?""
Bob: ""Oh, I'm no longer Bob. I got a sex change and changed my name to Flo Mama.""
Me: ""Oh?? um?? How do you think the Badgers are going to do?""
Awkward. Just fricking awkward. But pure honesty doesn't work:
Bob: ""How was your summer?""
Me: ""I'd rather not tell you. Let's walk away until we accidentally meet each other in another awkward moment.""
Or maybe adding a little humor could spice it up. For instance, just lie:
Bob: ""How was your summer?""
Me: ""Well, after I won the lottery and I had my week of passion with Britney Spears, I went to the mountains for my Vision Quest and I saw the sky open up. Then God, who looked like Bob Dylan with a fake beard like at Newport, told me that I have to smite the wicked with my trusty kazoo, and their blood will run through the streets.""
Bob: ""Never speak to me again.""
Maybe I'm just being neurotic. But enough about me.
How was your summer?
