Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.\ Al Pacino says this line in the movie ""The Godfather Part III"", and it's a great line, despite coming from a movie that ate rocks. It's also a line that I can relate to as in recent days I have once again been pulled into a situation I thought I had escaped long ago.
That's right, faithful readers, the days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer, and the entire Brewer's bullpen is on the D.L. for the season. It's everyone's favorite time of the year: time to sue Matt Worzala.
Now, I don't wish to appear bitter, so I'd like to preface the following comment by saying that I respect and admire all the editors at the Daily Cardinal and realize that they are all full- time students as well and that sometimes mistakes happen in the rush to put out a story.
But, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Of ALL my columns to re-run, you choose ""Sidewalk Traction'"" Oooohhh sweet mercy! Would kicking me in the head have been too much work?
Not that I'm bitter, mind you.
Granted, it didn't occur to me right away' the repercussions that would follow the re-printing of ""Sidewalk Traction""'but I was made very aware of them last week. I was feeling pretty good at the time, as I had just successfully negotiated a peace settlement between Russia and the Canada by coming up with the ingenious plan of handing out, get this, TWO gold medals for pairs figure skating. To celebrate staving off Armageddon, I was kicking back with a cold Pabst, the Blue Ribbon of Beers from now until the end of time, when the phone rang. Figuring it was President Bush calling to congratulate me, or, worse-case scenario, Vice President Cheney calling to talk my ear off about his days with former President Bush, I eagerly picked up the phone.
""Hello?"" I said.
""Mr. Worzala?"" a semi-familiar voice replied.
""Yes, this is Matt Worzala. Who's this?""
""Mr. Worzala, this is Todd Austin, legal representative for The Rolling Stones....""
""AHHHHHHHHHH!!!""
""Yes, I get that a lot. Mr. Worzala, we need to talk.""
I don't remember many of the specifics of the rest of the phone call as I was trying hard not to pass out from panic but the gist is this'I am once again being sued by The Rolling Stones because ""Sidewalk Traction"" is allegedly ""still a complete and utter copy of [The Rolling Stones] song 'Satisfaction'."" I tried to remind Lawyer Austin that I had already been sued once by the Stones for an amount I will keep out of the column, not out of shame, but because typing it causes my zero key to wear out, but he didn't seem to care.
Instead, he gave me some speech about one of Jagger's kids wanting to go into movies like Liv Tyler and how it was time for Keith Richards' yearly organ overhaul and next thing I know I've got a legal document in the mail and a court date for this week. I don't know what I have left for them to take, but there's talk about them buying the rights to my name, as well as acquiring my yet-unborn second and third children.
Man, Ellen, you couldn't have run the Paint Balling article again?
OUT!
