I love Wisconsin winters, I truly do. I have seriously been saddened by the mild weather we've had the past two years. In my mind there is nothing better than having someone ask, \How much longer is it supposed to be this cold?"" and then seeing their jaw drop when you inform them that Wisconsin has, on occasion, had snow in May. Call me shallow if you will, but c'mon, it is darn hilarious.
My only major complaint about winter, then, is the ice patches that crop up all over the campus. Now, I enjoy a good fall as much as the next guy, which is not at all, but something has got to be done about this. So as I spent the better half of Friday falling onto my rear end, I decided to take decisive action.
I wrote a song.
Well, technically, I didn't write it. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards wrote it. But I'm sure if they were alive today they'd be honored to have me blatantly rip it off... what? Are you sure they're still alive? Huh. Well, anyway, on to my song. Sing along if you'd like. It's to the tune of ""Satisfaction.""
""Sidewalk Traction""
Dun-dahhhhhh dunna duhhh da-dun-dun
Dun-dahhhh dunna duhhh da-dun-dun
I can't get no sidewalk traction
I can't get no sidewalk traction
'Cause I've tried
But I slide and I slide and I slide
I can't get no
I can't get no
When I'm walking down the hill and a man comes skidding by
He's sliding more and more
'Cause his boots ain't got no traction that'll stop his slipping action
I can't get no
A no no no
Hey hey hey
I fall all day
I can't get no sidewalk traction
I can't get no sidewalk traction
'Cause I've tried
But I slide and I slide and I slide
I can't get no
I can't get no
When I'm watching my TV and a man comes on to tell me how clear my walk should be
But he can't understand 'cause he doesn't walk the exact same path as me
I can't get no
No no no
A hey hey hey
That's what I say
Let me just take a moment to stop the song and editorialize a bit. Does anyone else notice that for being the ""VH1 Number 1 Song of All Time,"" ""Satisfaction"" repeats a lot? I mean, even ""MMMBop"" switches it up every now and then. Not that I'm trying to say that Hanson is better than the Rolling Stones. Actually, now that I think of it, that's exactly what I'm trying to say. Now back to the song...
I can't get no sidewalk traction
I can't get no gripping action
'Cause I've tried
But I slide and I slide and I slide
I can't get no
I can't get no
When I'm walking 'round the school and I'm hopping here to avoid a patch and I'm trying to keep it cool
But I'm hoping ""maybe this melts maybe next week"" next thing I know I'm on my seat
I can't get no
A no no no
A hey hey hey
Need some Cl and Na
I can't get no
I can't get no
I can't get no
Sidewalk traction
No sidewalk traction
No gripping action
No stinking traction
OUT!
