The distant goal taunts me from its inaccessible position on the far side of the room. I realize that existence is futile without its awesome power. As the impending threat of Rosie O'Donnell reaches drastic levels, I finally undertake the struggle to reach the remote control.
Although the generously allotted month of winter break allows a necessary reprieve after the Ritalin-snorting intensity of finals, such a long period without structured activity can generate incredible amounts of laziness. Many students see winter break as an opportunity to earn some extra cash, frittering away their interlude of freedom by seeking employment. Unfortunately, positions in the important field of bikini inspection are only available during the summer months, and I have discovered that it is not worth waking up before noon for any other form of labor.
At one point, I managed to convince myself to search for a winter job, but my attempts never seemed to work out. For future reference, I now realize that it is not the wisest idea to repeatedly mention my superhuman loogie-hocking abilities during an interview for a position in the food-service industry.
In addition to working, many students use winter break as a chance take relaxing trips to destinations throughout the world, but I did not have the privilege of traveling this year. Fortunately, I did not completely miss out on the experience of visiting exotic locations thanks to the unyielding savior of the American recreational predicament, the majestic redeemer known as cable television.
Thanks to contemporary cultural powerhouses such as the Entertainment Network and the Travel Channel, a variety of programming allowed me the opportunity to travel around the world without leaving the imprint in the couch molded to the exact size of my pizza-infused underside. It is amazing how watching beautiful people frolic in the world's most picturesque locations can make you forget that you are sitting in a pile of filth with your hand obscenely stuffed down a pair of baggy, Pepsi-stained sweatpants.
Since I could only spend so much time vicariously enjoying the adventures of Brooke Burke, I had to search for other activities to occupy the barren hours of winter break. For one thing, I used up much of my time playing my acoustic guitar and writing hilarious songs about the various shortcomings of my roommates.
Before you get your gossip-obsessed hopes up, I have decided that the newspaper is not the appropriate place for exposing the secrets of my friends. It is not so much that I have extensive concern for their privacy, but rather that I fear retaliation. Particularly, the dreaded saturation of my toothbrush in toilet water.
Over the past month, my laziness forced me to slacken my standards for valuable sources of entertainment. By the time I was getting ready to head back to class, I was perfectly content to spend the entire day helping Toucan Sam get through the jungle maze on the back of my cereal box.
Inactivity aside, I have no real regrets about the idle way in which I spent my winter break. Although I did not undertake any activities that would be considered productive in the conventional sense, the time was not a total waste. I got some great rest, and I got to perfect some of my personal talents. Have I told you that I can hock a mean loogie?
