The brilliant professor approaches the culmination of her enlightening lecture. Aside from the educational intensity of the speaker's voice, the entire room remains steeped in a concentrated silence. Just then, at an incredibly dramatic moment, an irritating electronic rendition of Edvard Grieg's \Hall of the Mountain King"" interrupts the atmosphere.
Unless you happen to have a class with that one weird guy who is obsessed with Norwegian operatic compositions, you recognize this scenario as one of the many side effects of cellular telephones. Unfortunately, cell-phone related disturbances are a common occurrence in lecture halls around the campus. Over the past several months, it seems that the number of cellular phones in Madison has skyrocketed in an immense wireless revolution.
In fact, companies like Verizon will stop at nothing to carry out their evil scheme for world domination, even if this means ensuring the continued sale of phones by instating a fetal calling plan after they have depleted the conventional market by connecting every single post birth customer on earth.
Ironically enough for an invention that is supposed to facilitate communication, cellular phones actually seem to prevent people from talking with one another. Take a walk down University Avenue on a normal school day, and I can almost guarantee that you will see a group of people walking together, each person immersed in a cellular conversation but oblivious to those around them. Of course, there is usually one poor person in the group who has the severe misfortune to not be a current participant in a digitized discussion.
If you ever find yourself in such an unpleasant situation, I find it is extremely effective to make the best of such an opportunity and divulge personal secrets to your inattentive peers. For example, when an acquaintance is ignoring you so she can talk to her boyfriend in La Crosse, Wis., you can forget about any embarrassing repercussions if you finally decide to divulge your undying love for the emotionally charged music of Michael Bolton.
Possibly the most bothersome aspect of the inundation of cellular phones is the fact that wireless users insist on deafeningly broadcasting their inane conversations. Personally, I don't care that Graham has been ruining the relationship with Amanda. I mean, if the poor guy would rather play Tekken than watch ""The Horse Whisperer,"" that's his business, not something that you need to announce at the top of your lungs to everybody who forgot to bring their CD player on their walk to class.
Although I am certainly not proud of it, I must admit that I am the owner of a cellular phone. Since wireless plans are so cost effective, my roommates and I decided against installing a conventional phone in our apartment, opting to spend our money on more important things such as bottles of Smirnoff and yearly memberships to several enthralling pay Internet sites.
Thankfully, my tendency to constantly mention bodily functions has pretty much alienated me from anybody with whom I might have had a conversation, and I have little use for my phone. Whereas I usually leave the phone at home, I sometimes feel left out from the cellular culture, which forces me to pick up random objects such as rolls of toilet paper, hold them up to my ear, and pretend I am talking about my plans for the weekend with my imaginary friends.
Annoying as they may be, cellular phones will most likely continue to grow in popularity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe my roll of Charmin is ringing.
