Well, it's that time of year again, ladies and gentlemen, that special time of year that brings us all'Christian, Muslim, Jew or Odin worshiper'together. That's right, it's FINALS TIME! YAY! Oh, and what a fun time it is, too. The books, the papers, the nervous twitch in your hand from too much caffeine'they're all signs of this glorious, almost spiritual time of year.
There are some out there, however, who do not have it easy during finals. They are the engineers, the computer science majors and the pre-med students. I normally lump all three under the heading of \saps,"" but this is the season of uniting, not, um, un-uniting. And so, with that in mind, I have written a little song to some of those who have to work extra hard this time of year.
Now, before I break out into song for you, there's something you have to do for me, faithful reader. Last year, I did a little song called ""Sidewalk Traction"" and everyone enjoyed it. Everyone, that is, but the Rolling Stones, who for some strange reason felt that just because I had ""allegedly copied 'Satisfaction' almost word for word,"" I owed them a large cash settlement. Long story short, I wound up owing them everything short of my first son and will be signing paychecks over to them for the next 30 years.
So, to avoid a similar sticky situation with Pearl Jam, who may or may not have been the inspiration behind this song, I'm asking all of you to sign a disclaimer before reading any further.
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, DO SWEAR UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY: (1) Matt Worzala did indeed write this song. Any resemblance to a top 40 hit for the Seattle grunge group Pearl Jam is merely a coincidence. (2) Matt Worzala does not really exist; he is an amalgamation of several other writers on staff. The picture? Taken from a Polo ad. (3) Since Matt Worzala does not exist, it would be silly to try to hunt him down and make him pay any money. So why not just let it slide this one time, OK, Eddie? Please?
SIGNATURE _____________________
OK, now that that's out of the way, on with the music. Here's ""Biocore,"" vaguely inspired by Pearl Jam's ""Evenflow.""
Steeeeeeven rests his head on a pillow made of textbooks again/Oh reeeeling maybe he'll feel a little better come Saturday/Oh hand out clutching at a pencil he's been using for his scribblin'/Oh woooorried he can't help it but he thinks he's going insane.
Biocore.
Thoughts are all about butterflies/Oh he don't know, so he studies them all day/Someday soon he'll get back his life again/Life again. Life again.
Steeeeven looking through his papers for the different types of seeds/Praying the test on marshlands will be delayed another day/Screaming why can't salt just be Cl then Na?/Peeeeeeople starting to look at him in funny ways.
Biocore.
Why can't he understand butterflies?/And he don't know, why potassium's symbol is K/Some day, yeah, he'll have these credits gone/Then he won't have four-hour labs twice a day/Twice a day/Twice a day.
Biocore.
He never wants to see another butterfly/And he wishes he'd taken zoology every day/Oh 16 credits is more than a man can bear/He never wanted to be an MD anyway/Anyway.
Anyway.
OUT!
