It's a beautiful day for a column today, a beautiful day for a reader. Could you read mine? Would you read mine? Won't you read my column?
Hello reader, it's me'Mr. Rogers. What's that? You thought Matt had beaten me up and sent me to the hospital last year? Yeah, right. In his dreams, boys and girls. No, Mr. Rogers spent his summer playing golf and cruising the Caribbean in his yacht. Or at least that's what he did until Mr. Rogers got a letter from his ex-wife's lawyer in regards to his cash settlement from last year. Can you say 'tenacious as a pit bull,' boys and girls? To make a long story short, Mr. Rogers no longer has that yacht.
What's that, boys and girls? What's this next to me? There's nothing next to me, boys and girls, just this harmless sheet. Nothing here but'what do you mean you looked under the sheet already? *Sigh*
Alright, boys and girls, this is an M-21 Sniper Weapon System. Mr. Rogers has had this gun since the Vietnam War when he was a cook for the U.S. Army. Mr. Roger's good friend John Denver was also a 'cook' for the Army, but just for the record, Mr. Rogers was a much better cook than Denver ever was. What boys and girls? How does a cook get their hands on a sniper rifle?
Well, Mr. Rogers can't tell you that, boys and girls, 'cause Mr. Rogers doesn't want to wind up in a helicopter incident like Frank Powers did after his U-2 blunder. So why don't we just toss the sheet back on the nice long-range weapon and welcome our guest, Mr. Military Dispatch.
'Pleasure to be here, Mr. Rogers.'
Well, it's good to have you, Mr. Mil-
itary Dispatch.
'Now then, as you boys and girls may know, we are hot on the trails of the terrorists responsible for the recent attacks on New York and Washington, D.C. I can assure you all, we in the U.S. military have this under control.'
I see you've brought along a chart, Mr. Military Dispatch.
'That is correct. Now, as you can see here, the terrain we'll be crossing is going to limit our tank use as there are too many mountains and trees for them to be feasible. Of course, we're the U.S. military, and if we wanted we could bomb the terrain as flat as a cow's back. But the boys in logistics looked it over and to do so we'd have to divert some of our missiles currently pointed at Moscow. And we just know that's what those commies want.'
What's that boys and girls? Shh'yes, we all know that Russia is no longer communist, but it's best not to interrupt Mr. Military Dispatch once he gets rolling.
'And then two weeks later we send in the ground troops. The first group will be a special unit of an armored calvary regiment which will be moving via snowmobile.'
Um'snowmobiles?
'Yes. Now their job will be to take Quebec and hold it till''
Quebec? What does Quebec have to do with any of this? Are you planning on invading CANADA?
'Of course, we've got to show the world that America can still kick some tail. Why'what would you suggest'?
I suggest it's time for you to go, Mr. Military Dispatch.
'Don't you want to hear how we're going to use polar bears as shock troops'?
*Sigh* I'll see you later, boys and girls.
Glad you read mine, glad you read mine, glad you read my column.
OUT!
