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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 22, 2024

Easy like a Sunday morning

For some people winter break might have been an opportunity to see family and friends back home, maybe travel to someplace warm or make some money. 




For me, the break was an opportunity to rediscover the wonderful world that is ESPN. 




To properly record this momentous occasion, I kept a journal of my hours hunkered down on my parents' couch staring at a square box. 




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Here is an account of my quest for greatness: 








Day 1 




Watched \SportsCenter"" three times in a row. Trey Wingo was better and better each show. I now know that Kobe and Shaq are having a little tiff. I got the ""Did You Know"" right two out of three times. 








Day 2 




Woke up around noon so ""SportsCenter"" was not on. Went to ESPNews and watched the half-hour sports news show a few times. It just wasn't the same as ""SportsCenter."" I need to get up earlier tomorrow. 








Day 3 




Normal buffet of ""SportsCenter,"" saw a commercial for ESPN Classic so I turned the channel over to that. Caught a ""SportsCentury"" biography on Michael Jordan and also one on Jim Brown. I know now that Michael doesn't like swimming because of an incident in which one of his childhood friends drowned and that Jim played for the Cleveland Browns. 








Day 7 




Still watching ""SportsCenter""--my parents are starting to worry about my health. I am not sure if I can move my legs any more. 








Day 9 




My mom asked me how long I had been watching TV. She was given no response. Returned my attention to the enthralling Bucks-76ers basketball game from the early 1970's on ESPN Classic. 








Day 10 




Skipped work again. This time it was to watch the highly touted Sun Bowl. Saw a few shots of El Paso, immediately realized why I did not traverse to that quaint town and instead decided to save my money for beer. In the first half of the game I found out that Wisconsin was not that good. In the second half I found out UCLA was not that good either. Wisconsin wins 21-20. Go Badgers. 








Day 11 




Back to ""SportsCenter."" At this point I am asking whether or not my legs will ever function. 








Day 14 




Managed to get off the couch. I was comforted to find out that my legs did in fact still work. Was going to play basketball. Went to get my basketball, found out it was deflated--so were my hopes for playing basketball. Hey, the TV still works. 








Day 19 




Now referring to myself as Dan Patrick while using every one of Stuart Scott's catch phrases. He must be butter man, because he is on a roll. Boo-yah. 








Day 20 




My parents unplugged the TV. I think they might be trying to tell me something.  








Day 21 




I now have a trance-like quality to my persona. Perhaps this is what they mean by being emersed in ""SportsCenter."" For the good of myself and mankind I am turning the TV off. 




Jamie Duklas can be reached at He would just like to say that you are now dumber for having read this column, unless you are the guy who was wearing shorts today; that individual cannot possibly be any dumber.

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