almanac

Culver’s frequent flyer “never expected” colossal heart attack

An artist’s rendering of the arterial obliteration bestowed upon customers.

Image By: Patrick Hoeppner

Local Culver’s loyalist Bobby McButtery was caught completely off-guard when his heart violently attacked him Monday evening.

“I was just sitting down to my dinner of a Bacon Butterburger and deep-fried cheese curds when I noticed my arm started to hurt, and I suddenly had a general feeling of impending doom,” McButtery said from his hospital bed on Tuesday morning. “It completely caught me off-guard. I’ve been eating Butterburgers every night for years, and I never would’ve expected something like this.”

McButtery, who turned 56 in January, was discovered on the kitchen floor by his wife in their Sun Prairie home, after he had already been prostrate for ten minutes. According to a police report of the incident, it took Mrs. McButtery nearly fifteen minutes to call for help.

“I asked him what was wrong, and he said ‘life is pointless, doom is inevitable.’ I looked it up on WebMD and figured out ‘impending doom’ is a symptom of a heart attack. And I wasn’t just gonna throw away his cheese curds,” Mrs. McButtery told Daily Cardinal correspondents on Tuesday while licking her lips and audibly slurping a Concrete Mixer.

“I shoulda been a doctor,” she casually added.

When Mr. McButtery was asked if he was aware of the nutritional value in the average Butterburger, specifically its elevated saturated fat and cholesterol content, he confirmed he was.

“They say Culver’s is all-natural, which clearly means it’s healthy. Science shows that natural foods are negative calories,” Mr. McButtery spoke once more from his hospital bed, this time with a Culver’s Butterburger Bacon Deluxe in his lap and a ring of putrid grease smeared around his lips. 

The McButtery family’s dedication to supporting obviously healthy eating habits is clearly shown by their passion for the ingenuity and can’t-possibly-be-detrimental-to-your-health-solely-because-they’re-labeled-as-natural foods that have become a Wisconsin hallmark.

“Eat as many Butterburgers as you possibly can,” a Culver’s representative responded when asked about the situation. “The heart attack happened before Mr. McButtery could eat his burger, not during his meal. If anything, this proves you should eat them faster.”

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