almanac

Moments of silence are very effective environmental action, legislators say

Every Congressperson participating in a breathtaking moment of silence.

Image By: Photo Courtesy of the Office of the Speaker

The recent moment of silence in the House chamber reinforced the common practice that the best path toward effective action as constituent-appointed legislators is not talking about the issues that provoked them. Environmentalists have hailed the move as a step forward in the administration’s abysmal climate plan.

“Remember when Paul Ryan called a moment of silence in the House chamber after that last shooting? I can’t even remember when that was…” an unidentified representative said. “It’s fascinating that the most effective action our government concocts these days regarding these very legitimate problems is saying nothing at all.”

“If you look at a Congressional moment of silence on a physical basis,” a UW-Madison physics professor said, “and assume that each congressperson in a full chamber has a standard lung capacity with the 84 women averaged at 4.2 liters and the 351 men at 6 liters per set of lungs, assuming a 12 breath-per-minute breathing rate in a boring-ass Congressional chamber, that’s a total conserved oxygen volume of a little over 29,505 liters. That adds up if these moments of silence persist in similar government environments across the country.”

“These moments of silence are doing some good for our carbon problem,” a Greenpeace representative said. “When people stop breathing for a minute, and take a moment to contemplate the unchecked atrocities unfolding across our nation, it adds up.”

“This reinforces our belief that the most effective action conservatives can take for our nation is not providing their opinions,” a blue-haired humanities major said, as she looked up from her “Stranger Things” synopsis summary. 

“This reinforces our belief that the most effective action liberals can take for our nation is not providing their opinions,” a tall student in a Vineyard Vines T-shirt, backwards Key West baseball cap and Sperrys said, as he looked up from his phone planning the next kegger.

“If the Nevada Assembly holds a moment of silence as well, it will conserve us a fair amount of carbon pollution,” the physics professor said. “We’ve done the math.”

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Cardinal.