Insurgents supply Alaskan grizzlies with anti-helicopter homing missiles
It may soon be legal to hunt big game from helicopters as a result of the recent Senate overturn of Obama-era hunting restrictions on national wildlife refuges in Alaska. If President Donald Trump signs the bill, the proposal will become a law.
In recent days the Alaska Fish and Game service has confiscated shipments of anti-helicopter homing missiles destined for bear preserves, raising the stakes for an aerial confrontation between recreational hunters in the air and native Alaskan grizzly bears on the ground.
“The bear population has a right to defend itself,” a masked insurgent said, in a grainy video posted to the media-sharing site LiveLeak. “And we claim full responsibility for supplying the bears with these tools of liberation.”
Evolutionary biologists have hailed the new action as a forward-thinking move to counter the rapidly evolving field of speciation. If the grizzlies can fight back against airborne hunters, the naturalists suggest the field will be more evenly matched—and more conducive to biological natural selection.
“If you need an aerial advantage and a semi-automatic firearm to kill an animal, you really shouldn’t be calling yourself a hunter,” Dick Cheney said. “Thankfully, in a helicopter, all of the hunting buddies will be condensed in one place, which reduces the risk of accidents.” The Fish and Game service has ordered parts of the parks to be sealed off where bears have been sighted, as the machinery poses a threat even though it is unlikely that the bears have figured out how to operate the homing launchers.
“Tourism revenues have soared,” a parks department official said. “We tried confiscating the new weaponry, but, well ... they’re bears, so we couldn’t. So we’re just counting on the probability that the bears won’t be able to figure out how to bring down the helicopters when the hunters arrive.”
Analysts have speculated that the surge in tourism revenues is correlated with the arrival of the missile launchers in Alaska. The tourists, they predict, will be expecting to see at least one aerial confrontation between the native wildlife and helicopter-mounted hunters this calendar year.
“If we don’t see at least one matchup, we’ll be disappointed,” a teenage tourist, wearing a Memphis Grizzlies jersey, said at Alaska’s Anchorage International Airport. “We’re for the bears all the way.”