GOP: Obamacare to be replaced by a walk-in Walgreens clinic in Oklahoma

The impending repeal of the Affordable Care Act, known colloquially as Obamacare, was largely cited by critics as having the potential to harshly impact the sectors of the American population who would not otherwise be covered by health insurance. Republicans, as of Tuesday morning, seem to have found a solution—in a two-physician Walgreens clinic, which has now been tasked with the immense responsibility of caring for all of America’s uninsured.
“The resources and staff of the walk-in Walgreens clinic should be sufficient to care for the healthcare needs of the nineteen million Americans who will be abandoned by their health insurance providers,” Ben Carson said. “It appears to be a skimpy, but adequate, solution.”
The walk-in clinic, located in Tulsa, Okla., is a 258-mile drive from Dallas, a 269-mile drive from Kansas City, and a 107-mile drive from Oklahoma City, the three major population centers in the greater region. The Walgreens clinic is staffed by two doctors and is open from eight-thirty in the morning through one-thirty in the afternoon.
“With a 15-minute waiting time, on average, the new Walgreens clinic in Tulsa is our most effective strategy in combating the premium hikes that working Americans have seen under the Affordable Care Act,” an architect of the Affordable Care Act replacement bill said.
“The Affordable Care Act is rapidly collapsing, and we need to ensure that we engineer a suitable replacement to fulfill the medical needs of the American populace,” Paul Ryan said in the unveiling address of the replacement bill. “It is clear that the Walgreens clinic provides our best option, and the most accessible option, to bring the best health care possible to the American people.”
“It is evident to me,” President Obama said, while on a kitesurfing vacation with Richard Branson in the British Virgin Islands, “that a two-man Oklahoma quack shack will not have the horsepower to care for almost twenty million people who will be simultaneously abandoned by their insurance.”
Republican pundits cheered on the measure, with several affirming long-standing party beliefs that Obamacare should not be replaced at all.
“Those left-leaning varmints got doctors,” a Texas congressman said. “That’s good enough!”