Life scheduled to end on Earth by 2050 under executive order
President Donald Trump’s new executive order was applauded by anti-life advocates as an effective means by which to end all life on earth by 2050. The new form outlines an ultimatum for an environmental global extinction event through agricultural devastation, climate crisis and the destruction of existing natural resources. Ideally, the text reads, the global extinction events which will bring about the end of most multicellular life-forms on earth should occur by 2040, if not by 2050.
The executive order aims to curb the existence of all life on Earth by rolling back fuel emissions standards on cars, re-fossilizing the American power grid and slashing funding for the agency responsible for ensuring the safety of the environment.
The conditions of the bill are expected to take effect just quickly enough to speed the spread of scorching droughts, cataclysmic coastal flooding and widespread natural disasters. The order aims to trigger a mass extinction event before 2050, just 25 years after the goal period of the Paris Climate Accord had passed into memory.
“We don’t believe that the environment plays a factor in the function of our modern economy. People are not a species, and therefore cannot go extinct,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said in a briefing. “Extinction only happens to lame species, like dinosaurs and trilobites.”
White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon added that “this planet would probably be better off with all of us gone.”
The tactics used from several of Trump’s policies, including a brash disregard of the scientific data displaying a clear rise in temperatures over the last half-century as a direct result of human carbon emissions, are justified by the rejuvenation of antiquated and industrially inferior coal-mining operations in states like West Virginia. Dragging the sustainability of our economy backwards, Spicer claims, is worth the short-term nationalistic appeal.
“People are clearly not a species threatened by planetary destruction,” White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said. “The only animals that need the oceans clean are slow and stupid, like the killer whale with the crooked fin from ‘Blackfish.’”
Bannon added, “I never was a fan of camping. Better with the forest gone.”