Trump signs trillion-dollar executive order on space wall
President Donald Trump signed into law Wednesday the latest in his administration’s flurry of executive orders, calling for the immediate erection of a space wall between the upper stratosphere and lower magnetosphere. The project, known as the American Orbital Defense Directive, consists of flying one trillion tons of concrete, limestone and sand into the atmosphere via space shuttle and releasing it, allowing gravity to ‘hold it in place.’
“Science isn’t really a thing anymore, so we’re confident that the sun will continue to nourish and enrich our crops even when it’s obstructed by this gargantuan new wall,” Sean Spicer said in an address to the press. “Our security against extraterrestrial threats is an absolute priority.”
“The definitive upsides of this project outweigh the negatives, including the total obstruction of naturally occurring sunlight photosynthesized by American agriculture,” Reince Priebus said. “We apologize for nothing here.”
Steve Bannon was also optimistic, “People do better in the darkness, anyways.”
Reports have stated that the order was motivated by a series of movies marathoned by the president on late-night cable television, namely “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” “War of the Worlds” and “Signs.”
The move is consistent with the administration’s zero-tolerance stance on refugees and illegal aliens, as the definition includes blue, viscous space cretins in UFOs blundering into our atmosphere.
“This is ridiculous,” an employee at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral said, as he looked over the blueprints for the proposed project. “These engineers want to fly a trillion tons of limestone and concrete into our upper atmosphere, pour it out and hope it doesn’t fall back down to Earth and make a colossal crater.” Other opponents of the project cite the engineering infeasibility, strategic irresponsibility and financial recklessness of the initiative, among other points, as reason to halt the directive.
At press time, the White House Situation Room was in the midst of deliberations on the construction of new walls encircling man-made islands in the South China Sea, separating former Soviet satellite nations from Western Europe, and fully encapsulating Detroit.